Funniest Quotes

# I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she
marrying him?
# It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world
every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
# Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two lifeforms, one
of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who
would you assume is in charge.
# According to most studies, people's number one fear is public
speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two.
Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to
a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
# Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
# The Swiss have an
interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty
impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss
Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there.
Corkscrews. Bottle openers. "Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past
me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off.
I've got the toe clippers right here.
# Why do people give each other
flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing
living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make
up. Have this deceased squirrel."
# Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished.
Why isn't it a "built"?
# The big advantage of a book
is it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the
beginning.
# Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
# The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men
are all the same; so we might as well dress them that way. That's why
a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride
and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women
because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom
chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the
next guy.
# I will never understand why
they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The
end of the show they hold it up to the camera, "Well, here it is. You
can't have any.
Thanks for watching. Goodbye."
# You can measure distance by time. "How far away is it?" "Oh about
20 minutes." But it doesn't work the other way. "When do you get off
work?" "Around 3 miles."
# Are there keys to a plane?
Maybe that's what those delays are sometimes, when you're just
sitting there at the gate. Maybe the pilot sits up there in the
cockpit going, "Oh, I don't believe this. I did it again." They tell
you it's something mechanical because they don't want to come on the
P.A. system, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be delayed here on
the ground for a while. I uh..Oh, God this is so embarrassing...I, I
left the keys to the plane in my apartment. I'm sorry, I'll run back
and get them."
# I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does
moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time?
When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're
all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole
outfit here!"