Little Johnny - The Complete Collection

Math Class
====================
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems
when his teacher picked him to answer a question..
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and
you shot one with your gun, how many would be left ?"
"None.", replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly
away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like
the way you are thinking."
Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If
there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one
licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the
third one sucking her cone, which one is married ?
Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one
sucking the cone?"
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring
on her finger. But I like the way you are thinking..

____________________________________

Red and Shiny ====================
The teacher, in an attempt to stimulate their minds,
asked the class the following question, " What is bright red
and shiny?"
Little Johnny jumped up and shouted, " A fire engine
!!!!???"
"No! No!" said the teacher," But I like the way you
think.. Anyone else?"
Little Susan replied that it was an apple and the teacher
was happy except Johnny of course..
Anyway, Little Johnny asked the teacher if he can ask a
question to which she nodded OK. " What is long, hard,
rounded and has hair at one end? "
"JOHNNY!!!" she screamed, "WE'LL HAVE NONE OF THAT
TALK HERE..."
Johnny replied, " No, it's a toothbrush, but I like the
way you think"..

_________________________________

Confused Little johnny comes home from school with a note
from his teacher, indicating that "johnny seems to be
having some difficulty with the differences between boys and
girls, and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk
with johnny about this."

So johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand,
upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door..

- first, johnny, you take off my blouse....
so unbuttons her blouse and takes it off..
- ok, now take off my skirt....
and he takes off her skirt..
- now take off my bra....
which he does..
- and now, johnny, please take off my panties..

and when johnny finishes removing those, she says,
"johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school
any more!"

______________________________________


What are you doing ==========================

Late one night, little Johnny woke up to the some loud
noises coming from his parents' bedroom. He got out of bed and
walked down the hall towards his parents room. Before he
made it to the end of the hall, the noises had ceased and the
bathroom light had gone on..
Little Johnny walked into the bathroom and saw his father
removing a used condom..
"Daddy, what are you doing?" asked little Johnny..
His father looked around nervously wondering what he
could
tell his son..
I, um, I'm just checking out the bathroom for mice."
replied his father..
Johnny looked at his father with a gaze of confusion and
said, "Well, what are you doing? Fucking them?"

___________________________________

Classroom ==============
one day, the teacher walks into her classroom and
announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a
question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't
have to go to school the following Monday. On the first
Friday, the teacher asks,
"How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to
say, no one could answer..
The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How
many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer..
Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday,
he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day
weekend..
So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and
paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school
in a paper bag..
At the end of the day, just when the teacher says,
"Here's this week's question,"
Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong
balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are
young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the
entire class starts laughing..
The teacher says, " Okay, who's the comedian with the
black balls?"
Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says,
"Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!"
____________________________________

Not Another Word ============================
Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she
had been out of town all week and said, "Mommy, guess what?
Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom
and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door and
they got undressed and they got into bed and then Daddy
got on top of her and -"
The mother held up her hand and said, "Not another word!
Wait until your father gets home and then I want you to
tell him exactly what you've just told me." The father
comes home and the wife tells him that she's leaving
him..
"But why?" croaks the husband. "Go ahead, Johnny, tell
Daddy just what you told me." "Well," said little Johnny, "I
was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the
lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed
and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did,
Mommy, with Uncle Bob Heaven
____________________________________

Pass or Fail ================
Johnny missed his final exam due to the flu, but he'd
done so well during the year that the teacher suggested to the
principal that they give him an oral exam to make up for
the test he'd missed..
The principal agreed so they called Johnny into the
office,
explained, then the teacher asked, "Johnny what does a
cow
have four of, that I only have two of?"

Johnny replied, "Legs."

The teacher asked, "Johnny, what do you have in your
pants
that I don't have in my pants?"
Johnny replied, "Pockets."
The teacher asked, "Johnny, what is the capital of
Italy?"
Johnny replied. "Rome."

The teacher turned to the principal and asked, "Should we
pass him?"
The principal replied, "Better not ask me, I got the
first
two wrong"

____________________________________________________________

Harassment
Teacher: Use "harassment" in a sentence..
Johnny: Her mouth said 'no', but her ass meant 'yes'..

____________________________________________________________

Cookie Time
Little Johnny was in school one day when the teacher
brought
around cookies for snack time. "Here, Little Johnny, have
a cookie." "I don't fucking want one," declared Johnny..
The teacher was shocked. She called Little Johnny's
mother
and scheduled her to come in for a meeting the next day..
When Little Johnny's mother arrived, the teacher had her
hide behind the curtain until snack time came around. As
she came to Little Johnny, she again told him
"Here Little Johnny...
It's time for your cookie."
"I don't fucking want one," stated Little Johnny again..

The teacher pulled aside the curtain and said to his
mother,
"See? Did you hear what he said?"
"So don't fucking give him one," said Little Johnny's
mother..

____________________________________________________________

Loaf of Bread
Little Johnny's mother sent Little Johnny to the store to
get a loaf of bread.. Little Johnny's is coming home from
the store swinging the loaf of bread in one hand and the
other hand in his pants pocket..
Along come Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, "This is
a
good opportunity to say something from the bible to
Little Johnny."
He walks up to Little Johnny and says, "I see Little
Johnny
that you have the Staff of Life in one hand. What do you
have in the other?"
Little Johnny replies, "A loaf of bread Father".

____________________________________________________________

A new teacher while introducing herself to children said
"My name is Miss. Prussy and it is easy to remember. Just
remember the word pussy in your rhyme and add "r" in
between first two letters.
Next day techer wanted to test whether children could
remember
her name or not. So she asked the whole class to tell
her
name a little louder.
Silence prevailed for sometime as none of the children
could
remember her name. Then little Johnny remembered suddenly
and
shouted with excitement "Crunt".

____________________________________________________________

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked,
"Mommy, can little girls have babies?" "No," said his
mom,
"of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him
yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game
again!"

____________________________________________________________

Little Johnny had some sex questions for his father,
"Dad,
what does 'pussy' mean?" The father took the little boy
up
to his study room and got out a Playboy magazine. He
opened
the book to the centerfold and too got out an ink pen.
He
drew a small circle in the appropriate place and told
Johnny,
"See that circle, everything inside the circle is a
pussy."
"Oh," said little Johnny. "One more thing, what is a
bitch?"
"Well," said the father, "see that little circle? A
'bitch'
is everything outside the circle if it doesn't give you
what
is inside the circle..."

____________________________________________________________

A third grade teacher told her class, "Children, we are
going to begin to study a little sex education.
Tonight,
girls, your first assignment will be to find out from
your parents how to avoid Getting pregnant. For you
boys,
your assignment will be to go home and find out what a
penis
is."
So little Johnny goes home and asks his father, "Daddy,
what is a penis?" The father pulls down his pants and
points
proudly saying, "Son, that is a perfect penis." The
next day, when Johnny gets to school, his best friend
runs up
to him on the playground and says to Johnny, "I forgot
to
find out what a penis is! What's a penis!" Johnny tells
him,
"Come on." So they both go into the boys room and Johnny
pulls down his pants. He points down and says, "There,
if that was a little smaller, it would be a perfect
penis!"

____________________________________________________________

Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly
reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon,
some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little
Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper. His
father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a
brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for
you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some
butterflies,
and soon started catching them and crushing them under
his
feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief
moment
of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!"
Early
that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking lot more fun
the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one
until all the cockroaches were dead. Johnny's mother
looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there
watching her. To which Johnny said, "Are you going to
tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?"

____________________________________________________________

A few months after his parents were divorced, Little
Johnny
passedby his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body
and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next
couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One
day, he came home from school and heard her moaning.
When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of
her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes,
threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and
moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

___________________________________________________________

Salesman

A traveling salesman rings the doorbell and 10-year old
Little Johnny answers, holding a beer and smoking a fat
cigar.
The salesman says, "Little boy, is your father home?"
Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What
do
you think?"

___________________________________________________________

Too Young

A guy's walking down the street and sees Dirty Johnny
smoking a cigarette. He says, "Kid, you're too young to
smoke." Johnny looks up and doesn't say anything.
The guy says, "How old are you?"
Johnny says, "Six."
The guy says, "Six? When did you start smoking?" Johnny
says,
"Right after the first time I got laid." The guy says,
"Right
after the first time you got laid? When was that?"
Johnny says, "I don't remember. I was drunk."

___________________________________________________________

Bathroom

Little Johnny was sitting in class and started waving his
arm saying, teacher!, teacher! I have to go pee!"
The teacher called Johnny to her desk and said, "Now
Johnny,
in this class we use proper wording, the correct word is
urinate. You may go to the bathroom, but when you come
back
I want you to give me a sentence using the word urinate."

So Johnny goes down the hall to the bathroom and when he
comes back the teacher says, "O.k. Johnny, I want to hear
your sentence now"

Little Johnny says,"O.K., here goes---Urinate, but you'd
be
a ten if your tits were bigger"!!!!

___________________________________________________________

Sex

Little Johnny was a curious little guy and was always
asking
questions. One day, when his aunt was visiting, he went
into
his typical interrogation.
Johnny: Auntie, Auntie, Auntie, how old are you?
Auntie: Well Johnny, that's not a question that you ask a
lady.
Johnny: Auntie, Auntie, Auntie, how much do you weigh?
Auntie: Johnny! That's not a question you ask a lady.
Johnny: Auntie, Auntie, Auntie, why don't you and your
boyfriend
sleep in the same bed?
Auntie: Johnny, stop this! That's not a question you ask
a lady!

Johnny went off to play but the next day he was talking
to his
aunt again.

Johnny: Auntie, Auntie, Auntie, I know how old you are.
You're 32 years old.
Auntie: Johnny! How do you know that?
Johnny: Auntie, Auntie, Auntie, I know how much you
weigh.
You're 135 pounds.
Auntie: Johnny! How do you know that?
Johnny: And Auntie, Auntie, Auntie. I know why you don't
sleep
in the same bed as your boyfriend.
Auntie: Johnny! Stop this! How do you know all this?
Johnny: Well, I found your driver's license last night.
Here
it says that you're 32 years old and here it says
that you weigh 135 pounds. And right down here it
explains why you don't sleep in the same bed
as your boyfriend.
Auntie: Where does it say that?
Johnny: Right here. It says you got an "F" in Sex.

___________________________________________________________

No Fighting

Little Johnny comes home from catholic school wit a black
eye. His father see's it and says "Johnny, how many times
do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"
But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying
our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of
me
had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over
and
pulled it out. That's when she hit me!
"Johnny", the father said. You don't do those kind of
things
to women. Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home
with the other eye black and blue. Johnny's father said,
"Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"
"But Dad" Johnny said. "It wasn't my fault. There we were
in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my
teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her
butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and
he
reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't
like
this, so I pushed it back in!"

___________________________________________________________

Big Sister


Little Johnny was twelve years old and like other boys of
his age, rather curious. He has been hearing quite a bit
about "courting" from older boys, and he wondered what it
was and how it was done. One day he took his questions
to
his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of
explaining things to him, she told him to hide behind the
curtain one night and watch his older sister and her boy
friend. This he did. The following morning he described
everything to his mother.

"Sis and her boy friend sat and talked for awhile, then
he
turned off most of the lights, and he started kissing and
hugging her. I figured sis must be getting sick because
she started looking funny. He must have thought so too
because he put his hand under her blouse to feel her
heart
just like a doctor would, except he's not as smart as the
doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding the
heart.

I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both
of them started panting and getting all out of breath.
His other hand must have been cold, because he put it
under
her skirt. About this time, sis got worse, and began to
moan and squirm around. They slid down to the end of the
couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a
fever, because sis told him she felt really hot.

Finally, I found out what was making them so sick: A big
eel had gotten inside his pants somehow.. It just jumped
out of his pants and stood there, about ten inches long.
Honest. Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it
from getting away. When sis saw it she got really scared,
her eyes got big and her mouth fell open. She started
calling out to god and stuff like that. She said t was
the biggest one she had ever seen. I should tell her
about the ones down at the lake..
Any ways, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by
biting
its head off. All of a sudden she made a noise and let
the
eel go... I guess it bit her back, then she grabbed it
with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle
out of his pants pocket and slipped it over the eels head
to keep it from biting again.
Sis laid back and spread her legs so she could get a
scissor lock on it, and he helped by laying on top of
the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started
groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset
the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by
squashing it between them..

After a while, they both got up and gave a great sigh,
her boyfriend got up and sure enough, they had killed
the eel. i know it was dead, because it just hung ther,
limp and some of its insides were hanging out..

Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the
battle,
but they went to courting anyway. He started hugging
and kissing again. By Golly, the eel wasn't dead.
It jumped straight-up and started to fight again. guess
eels are like cats... they have nine lives...
This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by
sitting on it. After fifty-five minutes of struggle,
they finally killed the eel.
I know it was this time because i saw sis's boyfriend
peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.

Johnny's mother fainted.

___________________________________________________________

Sunday School

At Sunday school, the teacher asked Little Johnny, "Do
you
know where little boys and girls go when they do bad
things?"
"Sure," Little Johnny replied. "They go out in back of
the church yard."

___________________________________________________________

LITTLE JOHNNY XIII

One day a 5th grade class was taking a field trip but the
weather was extreamlly bad and the trip was to be delayed
and they had to stay in a hotel for the night. So Little
Johnny was sleeping in the same froom as his teacher. In
the
middle of the night the teacher woke up and was frigtened
by the sight of alex standing right over her. He asked if
he could sleep with her cause he couldn't sleep. She
said okay, then Johnny asked to lay a little closer and
she said okay. Then he asked if he could put his finger
in
her belly button...and she said "NO". "But my mommy lets
me
do it when i can't sleep and it helps." So the teacher
says "
okay fine, do whatever your mom lets you do." and a few
minutes later the teacher says "OH...thats not my
bellybutton." And Johhny says, "thats not my finger."

___________________________________________________________

There is a teacher teaching sex ed to a bunch of 5th
graders. She walks to the chalk board and raws a huge
penis
on the board! She truns to the class and simply asked the
class, "Class, does and one know what that is?" The class
sits silently for a second or two than little johnny
stands
from the back! He yells, "I know what that is! It's a
PENIS! I know cause my dad's got two!" "The small one he
pee's from, the big one he brushs the babysitters teeth
with!"

___________________________________________________________

A salesman rang the door bell and little Johnny answered.
The salesman asked if his father was at home. Little
Johnny: "Yes." The salesman: "Well, can I see him
please?" Little Johnny: "No, he is in the shower." The
Salesman asked if his mother was at home. Little Johnny:
"Yes." The Salesman: "Well can I see her?" Little Johnny:
"No, she's in the shower too.." The Salesman: "Do you
think they will be out soon?" Little Johnny: "No." The
salesman asked why. Little Johnny: "Well, when my dad
asked
me for the vaseline I gave him some super glue instead."

___________________________________________________________

Little Johnny is visiting the zoo with his mother. They
go
to the elephant exhibit, where a big old bull elephant is
taking a leak. Johnny points to the pachyderm`s privates
and says, "Mommy, what`s that?" Mommy, seeing the huge
penis, turns bright red and says, "Oh, that`s nothing.
Never
mind. Come along now." A few weeks later, Johnny is at
the
zoo with his father. Johnny grabs his dad by the hand,
and pulls him over the elephants, saying he has a
question. Once there, Johnny points to the elephant`s
penis and says, "Daddy, what`s that?" Dad replies,
"Didn`t
your mother tell you?" "Yes, she told me it was nothing."
"Well, That's true. That's nothing for your mother."

___________________________________________________________

A nursery school teacher asks her class, "Who can use the
word 'definitely' in a sentence?" The first little girl
answers, "The sky is definitely blue," but the teacher
says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange, or
purple and pink." A second little boy answers, "Trees are
definitely green." The teacher says, "Sorry,Timmy, but in
the autumn, the trees are brown." Little Johnny from the
back of the class stands up and asks, "Does a fart have
lumps?" The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny!
Of course not!!!" "OK", says Johnny, "then I have
DEFINITELY shit in my pants!"

___________________________________________________________

My teacher is really giving me a tuff time,"Little Johnny
was telling his Father. "Handle it this way Johnny," his
father advised. "Take special care with your personal
appearance and attire. Pay attention in class. And do
your assignments and homework promptly." "I really don't
think that'll help Dad, Johnny rejoined. "She hissed at
me during study break that she's 3 weeks overdue."

___________________________________________________________

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her
eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class
one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school
work been so poor lately?" "I'm in love," the boy
replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With you," he said. "But Johnny," she said gently,
"don't
you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a
husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."
"Oh,
don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a
rubber."

___________________________________________________________

The teacher brought a Venus statue in class and asks,
"What do you like best about it, class?

Let's start with you, Robert."

"The artwork," says Robert. "Very good. And you, Peter?"

"Her tits!" says Peter. "Peter, get out! Go stand in the
hall," responds the teacher with disgust.

"And you, Johnny?" "I'm leaving, teacher, I'm
leaving..."

___________________________________________________________

Mrs. Smith, a third grade teacher wanted the class to
play
a game where one student starts drawing on the board,
then
one by one others add to it.

She thinks and decides not to start with Johnny,beause he
is so naughty and always has some "unusual" pictures in
mind.

So she starts with Anne.
Anne: "This is our house".

Teacher: "Good Anne!" and asks Peter to draw next:
Peter: "This is our house's door".

Teacher:"Very good, Peter" and calls Mary:
Mary: "This is our house roof".
Teacher:"Very nice, Mary" and calls on Stevie:
Stevie: "And this is the sun over our house."

Teacher:"Very nice Stevie" and thinks, there is not
much damage that Johnny can do with this picture and
asks johnny to come to the board.


Johnny: "And this is my Dad, trying to pick up the
soap when he dropped it in the shower.
------------------------------
A first grade teacher was having trouble with
one of her students.
The teacher asks, "Johnnie! What is your
problem?!"
Johnnie says, "I'm too smart for the first grade.
My sister's in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is!
I think I should be in the third grade!" The
teacher had enough. As a
result, she took Johnnie to the principal's
office and explained Johnnie's
request. While Johnnie waited in the outer
office, the teacher explained the
situation to the principal.
The principal told Johnnie's teacher that he
would give the boy a test and
if Johnnie failed to answer any of the special
questions he was to go back
to the first grade and behave. The teacher
agreed. Johnnie was brought
into the room.
The principal told Johnnie his terms and Johnnie
agreed.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Johnnie: "9"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Johnnie: "36"
Principal: "What is 9 x 9?" Johnnie: "81"
And so it went with every question the principal
thought a third grader should know.
Johnnie appeared to have a strong case.
The principal looked at the teacher and told
her, "I think Johnnie can go on to the third grade.
"The teacher, knowing Little Johnnie's tendency
toward sexual wisecracks, said to the principal,
"Let *me* ask him some questions before we
make that decision?
"The principal and Johnnie both agreed, Johnnie
with a sly look on his face.
The teacher began by asking, "What does a cow
have 4 of that I have only 2 of?
"Johnnie: "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but
I do not
have?
"The principal's eyes opened wide! Before he
could stop Johnnie 's expected
answer,
Johnnie said, "Pockets."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told
the teacher,
"I think we should put Johnnie in the fifth grade. I missed
the last two questions myself!"
____________________________________
It is nearing the end of the school day. The
teacher said,
"Children, if any of you can answer one of the
questions
I have, you can leave early today."

Little Johnny said to himself, "Good, I want to
get outta
here. I'm smart and I can answer any of the
questions."

The teacher began, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven
Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Suzie said,
"Abraham Lincoln."

"That's right, Suzie," said the teacher. "You can
go
home."

Johnny was angered because Suzie answered first.
Then, the teacher asked, "Who said, 'I have a
dream'?"

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said,
"Martin
Luther King."

"That's right, Mary," said the teacher. "You can
leave as
well."

Well, Johnny wasn't angry anymore. He was mad.
Then,
the teacher asked, "Who said, 'Ask not what your
country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said,
"John
F. Kennedy".

"That's right, Nancy" said the teacher. "You can
go
home now too."

Well, Johnny was boiling mad now. In fact, he was
furious.Then, the teacher turned her back, and
Johnny
blurted out, "I wish these bitches would keep
their
mouths shut."

"Who said that?" insisted the teacher.

"Bill Clinton. There, can I go now?"
------------------------------
Little Johnny, a fifth grade student has a penis so
large, his
parents warned him not to have anything to do with girls.
They
cautioned him he could easily kill someone. Through the
grapevine, his teacher learns about his unusual size,
keeps
him after school and suggests they have sex.

He refuses expressing concern he might kill her. She
laughs
and scoffs at the idea and says she will elect to be on
top,
in complete control, and nothing bad can happen.

He reluctantly agrees but the teacher experiences such
wonderful sensations, she faints from pure joy.

Thinking he's killed her, Johnny runs from the class room
sobbing and crying, "Oh my God!... I killed her! I killed
her!"
All at once he stops dead in his tracks, and look of
dawning
comprehension appears on his face as he says, "Wait just
a
minute! I didn't kill her. The dumb bitch committed
suicide!"
------------------------------


Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School.
Usually she slept
through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was
napping, "Tell me, Mary,
who created the universe?" When Mary didn't stir,
little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair
behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty !" shouted Mary.
The teacher said, "Very good"
and Mary fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our
Lord and Saviour,"
But,
Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again,
Johnny came to the
rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted
Mary and the
teacher
said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. "What
did Eve say to
Adam
after she had her twenty-third child?" And again,
Johnny Jabbed her
with
the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If
you stick that damn
thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
The Teacher
fainted.
------------------------------
Little Johnny is sleeping in bed, when his mother comes
along and says:
"Rise and shine Johnny, time to wake up."

Little Johnny replies, "5 more minutes mum."

His mother decides to give Johnny 5 more minutes, so she
goes down the
stairs and starts cooking breakfast.

Five minutes Little Johnny comes down the stairs and is
crying
uncontrollably. "What's wrong Johnny?" asks Johnny's
mother.

"I had a wet dream last night," Johnny replied. His
mother is surprised,
but keeps her composure. "That's nothing to cry over, is
it Johnny?" she
says.

"Of course it bloody is," says Little Johnny. "Now
whenever anyone asks me
what the first thing I said after my first orgasm is,
I'll have to
tell them '5 more minutes mum!'"
------------------------------

A third grade school teacher was trying to explain to her
class the
difference between singular and plural. She said, ''What
do you call it if
one woman looks out a window?''

Charlotte said, ''Singular.''

The teacher said, ''That's right Charlotte. Now, what do
you call it if
three women are looking out of a window?''

And little Johnny raised his hand and blurted out, ''A
whorehouse.''

____________________________________

Well, there's always next time...

A young unmarried girl discovers that she is pregnant.

Scared……..

She confides this ' news' to her mother.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did This to you?

I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house;
a mature And distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the Girl,
and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the Problem.
However, I can't marry her because of my personal family Situation,
but I'll take responsibility.
If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each.

However,

If there is a miscarriage or unsuccessful delivery , what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,
.
.
.
.
"You can try again !!!"

The Basic Laws of Work that everyone should understand!

* A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

* Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

* It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.

* After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

* The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

* When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

* Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

* Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous. "

* Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a office party.

* To err is human, to forgive is not our office policy.

* Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

* If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

* People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

* If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

* At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

* Following the rules will not get the job done, but getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

* The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

World after 10 years because of INTERNET

Advantages Of Being A Woman

Why it's better to be a Woman!

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.

7. Taxis stop for us.

8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).

11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.

12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.

13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.

18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.

26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.

28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

Good ...Must Read

A Senior Manager working in an MNC, as usual after lunch goes to thecafeteria for coffee.
He relaxes in canteen. He sees a canteen boy cleaning tables there.
To Kill time he decides to have fun with him.
He calls him.
Senior Manager - (Asks canteen boy) : How much do you earn?
Canteen boy smiles...
Senior Manager - what are your future plans?
Canteen boy keeps quiet...
Senior Manager - where do you see yourself 10 years down the line?
Canteen boy gives a cold stare.
Senior Manager - Jab mai Bangalore aaya tha tab mere paas bhi kuchnahi tha.... Aaj mere paas kya nahin hai...
naam hai..........,
shohrat hai.........,
paisa hai............
Izzat Hai.............,
tumhare paas kya hai?
Scroll down to find out his answer
Don't think that he answered like Shashi Kapoor of Deewar ki "Mere
paas Maa hain"
Just Scroll some more..............
....


........



..........


...........

................



.............


...............

..............


................


.................



.........................................

Canteen boy - mere paas bahut KAAM hai....
Senior Manager leaves the cafeteria silently......

WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY???

Two weeks ago was my 35th birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway.

I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably a present for me.


Forget "Happy Birthday", She didn't even say "Good Morning".


I thought, "Well, that's wives for you, the children will remember".

Children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.


I started to the office I was feeling pretty low.


As I walked into my office my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning, boss. Happy Birthday."


And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon.

Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know,
it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."


I said,! " That's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch.

We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place.

We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.


On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day.

We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I said, "No, I guess not."


She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment,
she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go change."


"Sure," I excitedly replied. I start getting excited & i thought today is my lucky day.


She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes,
she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by..........



my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing "Happy Birthday".


And there I sat... on the couch... naked....!!!!!!

Axe Effect - Brilliant Ones

Silsilaaaaaa.... Main Aur mere roommates

Silsilaaaaaa.... (pls reply wid your comments)

Main Aur mere roommates aksar Yeh Baatain Karte Hain Ghar saaf hota to kaisa hota Main kitchen saaf karta,tum bathrooom dhote main hall saaf karta, tum balcony dekhte Log is baat pe hairaan hote aur us baat pe haste.... Main aur mere roommate , aksar Yeh Baatain Karte Hain

Kab tak yoon hi is tarah rahe hum Dil kahta hai Walmart se koi vaccum cleaner la de ye Carpet jo jine ko joozh raha hai, fikwa de Hum saaf rahe sakte hai, logon ko bata dain, Haan hum roommates hai - roommates hai - roommates hai Ab dil main yehi baaat, idhar bhi hai udhar bhi......

Ke jab ke usko bhi yeh khabar hai Ke macchhar nahi hai, kaheen nahi hai magar uska dil hai ke kah raha hai machar yaheen hai, yaheen kaheen hai ! Tond ( pet ) ki ye haalat, meri bhi hai, uski bhi, dil mein ek tasvir idhar bhi hai, udhar bhi Karne ko bohot kuch hai magar kab kare hum

Yeh hara bhara sink hai ya bartanon ki jung chidi hui hai Yeh colour full kitchen hai ya masalon se holi kheli hai
Hai farsh ki nayi design ya doodh,beer se dhuli hui hain Yeh cellphone hai ya dhakkan, sleeping bag ya kisika aanchal, ye airfreshner ka naya flavour hai, ya trash bag se ati badboo Yeh pattiyon ki hai sarsarahut ke heater phirse kharab hua hai Yeh sonchta hai roommate kab se gum sum

Main Aur mere roommates aksar Yeh Baatain Karte Hain Ghar saaf hota to kaisa hota Main kitchen saaf karta,tum bathrooom dhote main hall saaf karta, tum balcony dekhte Log is baat pe hairaan hote aur us baat pe haste.... Main aur mere roommate , aksar Yeh Baatain Karte Hain

Honest Answers to HR Questions!

Honestly, we will have these answers in our mind ... but we give different,
tailored and suitable answers to the guy !
1. Why did you apply for this job?
I have applied for many jobs along with this and you called me now.
2. Why do you want to work for this company?
I have to work for some company who ever gives me a job, I don't have any
specific company in mind.
3. Why should I hire you?
You have to hire some one, you may give me a try.
4. What would you do if this happened?
Well, it depends my mindset and mood at that situation...
5 . What is your biggest strength?
Basically, daring to join any company who pays me well, without thinking of
the fate of company
6. What is your biggest weakness?
Girls
7. What was your worst mistake, and how did you learn from it?
Joining my earlier company and learnt that I need to jump to get more
money, so I am here today
8. What accomplishments in your last position are you most proud of?
Had I accomplished any in my last position, why do I need to change my job?
I could demand more and stay there.
9. Describe a challenge you faced and how you overcame it?
Biggest challenge is answering the question "why are you looking for a
change" and I started blabbering irrelevantly to overcome that.
10. Why did you leave/ are you leaving your last job?
For the same reason why you left your earlier job
11. What do you want from this job?
If no work is given but keep giving good hikes
12. What are your career goals and how do you plan to achieve them?
Make more money and for that keep jumping companies for every 2 yrs
13. Did you hear of our company and what do you know of us?
Yeah, I know that you will ask this, I've gone through your website
14. What is the salary expected and how do justify that?
Well, no one will change job for the same salary, hence, give me 20% extra
than what I am getting and that is unpublished industry standard
(I know you will bargain on what ever I ask, hence, I have already hiked my
current salary by 30%)

l65 the real stunt

BIRTHDAY CAKE

A man wants to celebrate his wife's birthday by throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday cake. The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake.
Well he thinks for a while and says let's put, "You are not getting older you are getting better".
The salesman asks "How do you want me to put it?"
The man says, Well put "You are not getting older", at the top and You are getting better" at the bottom.
The real fun didn't start until the cake box was opened and the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake "You are not getting older at the top. You are getting better at the bottom!"

Gorilla n Gentleman

Two gay gentlemen are walking through a zoo. They come across the gorillas, and after a while they notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection. The gay men are fascinated by this. One of the men just can't bear it any longer and he reaches into the cage to touch it.
The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours non-stop. When he's done, the gorilla throws the man back out of the cage.An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.
A few days later his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, "Are youhurt?"... "AM I HURT?" he shouts, "Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called, he hasn't written..."

SISTERS OF MERCY

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway in Nevada when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you, my son?' He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business.' The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'
He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, 'Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway.' He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY

The Search

The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens. He kept in the hen house out the back of the parish manse. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens.
One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing and as that was the time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation: "Has anybody got a cock?" - and all the men stood up...
"No, no" he said, "That wasn't what I meant... Has anybody seen a cock?" and all the women stood up...
"No, no" he said, "That wasn't what I meant... Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" - and half the women stood up.
"No, no" he said "That wasn't what I meant!...
Has anybody seen my cock? and all the nuns stood up!!..."

ASK IF MARRIED

One day, Sadie and Rose are talking about men. "I have a question for you," says Rose.

"So ask it already," says Sadie.

"OK," says Rose. "If I meet a stranger at a party and I think that he's attractive, do you think it's OK to ask him straight away whether he's married?"

"No, certainly not," replies Sadie, "you should wait until morning."

HAIRCUT

Boss: You got your hair cut on company time.

Susie: It grew on company time.

Boss: Not all that hair.

Susie: I didn't get it all cut.

Divorce

A man and a woman had marriage problems and decided to end their union after a very short time together.
In court,the judge asked the husband,"what has brought you to the point where you cannot keep this marriage together?"
The husband replied,"in the six weeks we've been married, we haven't agreed on one thing."
"Seven weeks!", interrupted his wife.

Excess Weight

"Now, what are you planning to do about that excess weight you're carrying around?" the doctor asked the patient.

"I just can't seem to lose the weight," the patient said. "Must be an overactive thyroid."

"The tests show your thyroid is perfectly normal," the doctor said. "If anything is overactive, it's your fork."

NAUGHTY SMS

* This week is Breast Awareness Week. Spread the slogan: We stare because we care!

* Teacher: Soch or Veham me kya fark hai..?
Pappu: Aap ki Beti Sweet & Sexy hai Ye hamari Soch hai or wo hamare hathon se bach jayegi ye Aap ka Veham hai.

* LESBIAN kisko kehte hain?
2 kamini larkiyan, jo mard ko khush nahi dekh sakti!

* Marwari 2 prostitute: I'll pay double if u let me do it in Marwari style. She agrees.
After sex, she asks: What's Marwari style?
Marwari: Payment after 90 days!

* You wanna come to my place for some pizza and sex?
No?
Why, don't you like pizza?!

* Define Rape with the help of one good example?
Rape is a very-very difficult Job, For e.g. It is like playing GOLF with a continuously moving HOLE!

* Response during sex:
Mistress: Wow ! Darling this is great.
Whore: Come on finish it now.
Girlfriend: Ah! Please slowly.
Wife: Ceiling needs painting !

* Height of being Realistic:
An actress being fucked by a producer without using a condom saying that she has 2 play the role of a Pregnant lady in his next film!

* Knowledge is like your underwear... You should have it, but not show it off & most important, while having sex, keep your knowledge aside!

Secretary Pregnant

Santa in deep thaughts sitting calm, quite,

Banta: What is wrong with you Santa

Santa: Please dont ask

Banta: I am your child hood friend say to me.

Santa: My seven year old son made my secretary pregnant

Banta: Thats not possible

Santa: No he did

Banta: Hows that possible

Santa: He punctured my condoms

Ex Husband

A married couple were sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.

The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies. "He's my ex-husband and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable" the husband replies. "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."

Shoe Salesman

The middle-aged wife had just returned to the house on Saturday afternoon after a shopping trip. She was quite agitated, and proceeded to tell her husband about a certain shoe salesman who had been rude.

It seems she was sitting down while he helped her try on various shoes, and happened to glance up and notice that she was not wearing any knickers under her dress. Without even thinking, he just blurted out, "If that thing was full of ice cream, I'd eat every bite."

Well, she was understandably insulted, and now wanted to know what her husband was going to do about it.

The husband just sat there, watching football on TV, and grunted.

The wife became hysterical, and insisted on knowing why he didn't go down to the shop and punch the rude salesman right in the nose.

"Well", the husband replied, "There are three reasons I won't punch that guy in the nose.

First of all, you shouldn't have even been shopping for shoes, since you have a whole wardrobe full of them.

Secondly, you have no business going shopping with no knickers on.

But most of all, I'm not going to punch anyone who's big enough to eat that much ice cream!"

NEIGHBOUR

One day Mike noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the backyard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look.
Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door.
"Excuse me", Mike stammered, "but I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is."
"Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied.
"Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts."
The burly gorilla is about to deck Mike when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside.
"OK," the husband says gruffly, "for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's tits."
At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang free at last. Mike takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed.
"Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growls.
"I can't," replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away.
"Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now.
"I don't have ten thousand dollars."

Welcome to the corporate world!!

Two guys were hiking through the jungle when they spotted a tiger that looked both hungry and fast.
One of the guys reached into his pack and pulled out a pair of Nike.
His friend looked at him "Do you really think those shoes are going to make you run faster than that tiger?"
I don't have to run faster than that tiger, his friend replied. "I just have to run faster than you".
Welcome to the corporate world!!

Matter of limitation...

Here's a story about George Dantzig - the famed mathematician who's contributions to Operations Research and systems engineering have made him immortal.
As a college student, George studied very hard and often late into the night; so late, that he overslept one morning, arriving 20 minutes late for Prof. Neyman's class. He quickly copied the two math problems on the board, assuming they were the homework assignment. It took him several hours to work through the two problems, but finally he had a breakthrough and dropped the homework on Neyman's desk the next day.
Six weeks later, on a Sunday morning, George was awakened at 6 a.m. by his excited professor. Since George was late for class, he hadn't heard the professor announce that the two unsolvable equations on the board were mathematical mind-teasers that even Einstein hadn't been able to answer.
But George Dantzig, working without any thoughts of limitation, had solved not one, but two problems that had stumped mathematicians for thousands of years.
Simply put, George solved the problems because he didn't know he couldn't.
You are not limited to the life you now live. It has been accepted by you as the best you can do at this moment. Any time you're ready to go beyond the limitations currently in your life, you're capable of doing that by choosing different thoughts. All you must do is figure out how you can do it, not whether or not you can. And once you have made your mind up to do it, it's amazing how your mind begins to figure out how.
A person is limited only by the thoughts that he/she chooses.

Medical Certificates for IT Professional :

Doctor Certified
Certified that Mr. /Miss _________________ , working in your organization, is suffering from 'time-bound' illness. Due to this, he/she will NOT be able to work more than 8 hours a day and 5 days a week. Any attempt to stretch beyond this timing will lead to severe health problems. The losses to the company due to medical reimbursements will be far more compared to the gains made by stretching beyond 8 hours.
It is also warned to keep my patient away from any kind of shocking news such as " Come over weekend ...", " Let's work on holiday…", " Leave cannot be granted..." etc. which can directly lead to heart strokes.
In view of the above, it is strongly recommended to adjust your deadlines in accordance with the convenience of my patient.
Sd/-
Dr. Impatient
Cyber Clinic

Smart Boy

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his
Customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a five rupee coin in one hand and two one rupee
coins(1+1=2) in the other, then calls the boy over and asks,
"Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the two one rupee coins and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out
Of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question?
Why did you take two one rupee coins instead of five rupee coin?"

The boy licked his cone and replied,
"Because THE DAY I TAKE THE FIVE RUPEE COIN, THE GAME IS OVER"

Moral: When you think the other person is dumb, you are making a fool of yourself.

Why stock market went down!!!

Revisited By all means......Marry...worth reading

By all Means... MARRY!
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. David Bissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. Dumas
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. Anonymous
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." Henny Youngman
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." Sam Kinison
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." James Holt McGavran
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't." Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up. Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. Milton Berle
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. Anonymous
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
SEND THIS TO ALL THE GUYS TO GIVE THEM A GOOD LAUGH......AND TO THOSE LADIES WITH A SENSE OF HUMOUR WHO CAN HANDLE IT!!!!!!!

Birthday Gift

The wife was very unhappy with her car and complained a lot to her husband:
Knowing her birthday was coming up shortly, she said to her husband... 'Buy me a surprise for my birthday!' she said. 'Something that accelerates from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds! And I would prefer ablue one!'
Happy and excited she was counting down the days to her birthday.
And on the day she finally she got the beautiful present her husband thoughtfully bought....

Scroll Down......

...

WEIGHING MACHINE

Picture of the DECADE

Find Your Priorities in Life

Sigmund Freud's Priorities
Five things are happening in your house at the same time. In which sequence would you solve them? 1. The telephone is ringing! 2. The baby is crying! 3. Someone's knocking or calling you from the front door! 4. You hung the clothes out to dry and it is beginning to rain! 5. You left the tap on in the kitchen and the water is already overflowing!
In which sequence would you solve these problems? Write the sequence and check below how your decisions were made.
BUT BE HONEST, THE FINDINGS ARE EXCITING.
First write YOUR sequence from 1 to 5 then scroll below and read after!





Answer: Every individual point represents something in your life.
On the list you can see which meaning every point has: 1. Telephone represents Work 2. Baby represents Family 3. Door represents Friends 4. Clothes represent Money 5. Tap represents Sex

Picture of the year :Transformation

A hoarding on Hosur road :Opening Shortly

Latest Technology watch

There was a gentleman walking with two heavy suitcases in an airport terminal.
Someone approached and asked him what time it was. The gentleman bends down to park the two heavy suitcases and stares at his watch. But this was no ordinary watch! He touches a tiny button and his administrative assistant's face appears.
He asks her, "Mary, what time is it?" Mary answers instantly and with a smile! The questioner is thoroughly impressed!!!
He asks, "What kind of a watch is that?" "It's like a TV with two-way real-time communication," the gentleman explains.
He adds that the watch is the latest technology with Intel's brand new 128-bit chip with processor speed of 10 Gigahertz.
The onlooker is now quite impressed and wanted to know if he could buy this watch from the gentleman. They agree on a price and the cash was handed immediately.
The gentleman takes his watch out and hands it over and then walks away.
The new owner stares at the two heavy suitcases and shouts, "Sir, you forgot your suitcases."
The gentleman stops, smiles, and replies, "No, they are yours now. They are the CPU and modems you need for your new watch.

Hearing Problem

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
"Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone, see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response.
So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response so;
He walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
"James, for the FIFTH time I said, CHICKEN!"

Moral of the story:
The problem may not be with the other person as we always assume - could be very much within us....! SO don't always blame others for the things that youmay lack. Hence, nobody's perfect :)

taattooo of the year!

Pappu Back in Action

Once pappu started praying ravan and after 1 year Ravan was very happy from the bhakti of Pappu. Then Ravan decides to give 3 vardan's to Pappu.
Ravan: "say vatsa what u want"
Pappu: "i want 100 vardan's "
Ravan: "but i can give u only 3 varas"
Pappu: "but i want 100 vardan's"
Ravan: "no child thats not possible "
Pappu: "no i wants 100 means 100"
Ravan: "no i can give u only 3 if u wants then take or else i m going."
Pappu: "ok but what i will ask u will give me definetly?"
Ravan: "sure its promise from rakshas raj ravana"
Pappu: "1st vardan, convert urs GADA on shoulder to wodden
bamboo stick"
Ravan: "tathastu" and his gada turns into a stick.
Pappu: "second var, put that stick in ur as*hole"..deep inside..!!
Ravan: (confused but........)"tathastu" and in great pain asks pappu to ask for the third vardan asap...
Pappu: "now are you giving me rest 97 varas or should i ask to convert that stick again to GADA ??"

Ultimate joke

This is a conversation that took place between Customer(Y) and a marketing guy(X)
X: Which shaving cream do you use?
Y: Baba's
X: Which aftershave do you use?
Y: Baba's
X: Which deodorant do you use?
Y: Baba's
X: Which toothpaste do you use?
Y: Baba's
X: Which shampoo do you use?
Y: Baba's
X: Which socks do you use?
Y: Baba's
X (Frustrated): Okay, tell me, what is this Baba? Is it an international
company???
...
...


Y: No, He is my roommate

Way u ask questions matter ???

Jack and Max are walking from religious service.
Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.Max replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?"So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, "Priest, may I smoke while I pray?"
But the Priest says, "No, my son, you may not. That's utter disrespect to our religion."Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.Max says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks, "Priest, may I pray while I smoke?"
To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my son...by all means."
Moral of the story: The reply you get depends on the question you ask.
Example: Can I work on this project while I'm on vacation??

15 PIECES OF ADVICE FOR WOMAN

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.

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2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

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3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

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4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

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5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

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6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

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7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

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8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

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9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

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10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

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11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

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12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

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13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.

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14. Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

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15. Sadly, all men are created
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Semen Tastes sweet

In a university biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?"

"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.

Raising her hand again, she asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl's face turned bright red and, as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her things without a word and walked out of class, never to return.

However, as she was going out the door, the professor's reply was classic. Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat.......Have a nice day."

HAIRCUT

Boss: You got your hair cut on company time.

Susie: It grew on company time.

Boss: Not all that hair.

Susie: I didn't get it all cut.