A man complains to a friend, "I can't take it anymore."
"What's wrong?" his concerned friend asks.
"It's my wife. Every time we have an argument, she gets historical!"
"You mean hysterical," his friend said, chuckling.
"No, I mean HISTORICAL," the man insists. "Every argument we have,
she'll go "I still remember that time when you ...."
A man asked his neighbor how he kept his car looking so nice and
glossy.
glossy.
The neighbor replied that his wife gave him all her worn out panties
and he used these to polish his car with.
Being a bachelor, he decided to ask his stenographer for some of
hers, so one day at the office he asked: By the way, Miss Jones, what do
you do with your panties when you wear them out?"
Why," she replied demurely, "If I can find them afterwards, I put
them back on again!".
1) The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location.
2) Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will
come home with the wrong thing.
3) When we are watching your show and I change the channels during a
commercial, do not hassle me that the commercials have probably
finished, and to change the channel back. I always know when the timing
is right. Also, when we are channel surfing do not ask me to go back,
there was a good reason why I skipped it.
4) If you need help with the laundry, I am more than willing to
carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this is half the
chore and I am now free to return to the couch.
5) If I mention that a male friend of mine is allowed to do
something it is not necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend to
discuss it.
6) If you don't like the way I am driving, close your eyes. And I
would appreciate it if you would refrain from making that reverse
inhaling alarmed noise. I haven't hit anything yet and if I do it will
be your fault.
7) I go clothes shopping to buy, never to look.
8) Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed. And
remember that this takes me less than ten minutes no matter what the
occasion is. After all I am getting dressed, not getting ready.
9) Don't ask me if I prefer one outfit over another or if a certain
accessory should be worn or not. I consider this a no win situation and
would rather just wait for you to get dressed while watching TV.
10) If you want me to put the seat down when I am finished then you
should leave the seat up when you are finished. It's only fair. And stop
giving me a hard time about missing the bowl.
11) I will cook anything as long as it is on the BBQ.
12) Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd
background noise to me. I am not ignoring you.
A small tourist hotel was all a buzz about an afternoon wedding
where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.
where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.
The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding
night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young
woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main
staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the
hotel.
The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey?
You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak,
"Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years...I thought he
meant his money!!"
A farmer wrote to a giant mail order company and asked the price of
their toilet paper.
their toilet paper.
The company wrote back and told him to look on page #287.
He wrote another letter back, "If I had your catalog, I wouldn't
need your toilet paper."
As the regiment moved out, the crowd cheered. One soldier asked another,
"Who are all those cheering people?"
"Who are all those cheering people?"
The veteran answered, "They're the ones who aren't going."
1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
5. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
6. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
7. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
8. Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.
9. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
10. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
11. He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged.
12. She's always late. In fact, her ancestors arrived on the
"Juneflower."
13. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
misquoted and used against you.
14. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
15. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
16. Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.
17. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so
popular?
18. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
19. It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial
costs and blame it on the higher cost of living.
20. Just remember if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
21. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
22. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to
end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
23. You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
24. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the
world population.
25. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
26. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left
by those who got there first.
27. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish
and he will sit in a boat all day drinking.
28. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
29. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.
30. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
31. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
32. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
33. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
34. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
35. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of
12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
36. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.
HER DIARY
Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at
a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I
thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no
comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere
quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked
him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that
he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and
kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't
say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if
he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched
T.V. He seemed distant and absent.
Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to
bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but
I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere
else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure
that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY
Today the Eagles lost, but at least I got laid.
Douglas was being evaluated for mental problems and was asked by the
doctor, "If a train was coming down the hallway toward you, what would
you do?"
doctor, "If a train was coming down the hallway toward you, what would
you do?"
Douglas replied, "I would get in my helicopter and fly away!"
The doctor then asked, "Where did you get a helicopter from?"
Douglas replied, "The same place you got that fucking train!"
Freddie can't get an erection so he goes to the doctor.
The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken
down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an
experimental surgery.
Freddie asks what the surgery is and the doctor tells him they take
the muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk, insert them in the
base of his penis, and hope for the best.
Freddie says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never
having sex again is even scarier, so he says OK.
The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks
later he gives Freddie the go ahead to "try out his new equipment".
Freddie takes his wife out to dinner.
While at dinner Freddie starts feeling incredible pressure in his
pants. It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes
his pants. No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his
pants, rolls across the table, grabs a apple from the fruit basket, and
disappears back into his pants.
His wife sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look
on her face. She says, "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?"
With his eyes watering and a painful look on his face, Freddie says,
"Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another apple up my ass."
A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a
drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go
on up to their room to rest.
drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go
on up to their room to rest.
She lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes by
very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of
the bed.
Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more.
Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the
floor.
Exasperated, she calls the front desk and asks for the manager.
The manager says he'll be right up.
The manager is skeptical, but the wife insists the story is true.
"Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the
floor!"
So he lies down next to the wife.
Just then the husband walks in and says, "What are you doing
here!?!"
The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a
train?"
A man was golfing, and everything was going the usual way for his
game, when he came to the 16th hole and had a hole in one!
game, when he came to the 16th hole and had a hole in one!
As he reached in the hole to get his ball, out came a genie.
The genie said "I grant you one wish."
The man didn't take long to make his request, "I'd like to have the
the biggest cock in the world."
POOF! His cock became so long that it dragged behind him two feet.
He was so stunned by this that he couldn't go on with his golf game.
He went back to the clubhouse dragging his cock behind him. Everyone
in the clubhouse stared at him as he made his way to see the pro. "Look
what happened to me on the 16th hole!" he yelled at the club pro.
After explaining to the pro what had caused his elongated 'putter,'
the golfer asked the pro what he thought he could do to remedy the
situation.
"Why don't you take this bucket of balls and go back to the 16th
hole and try to get another hole-in-one. Maybe then you'll get the genie
back and he can help you."
So off the golfer went to the 16th hole. After hours of hitting
balls and not even coming close to getting a hole-in-one, lightning
finally struck twice.
Just as the golfer reached in to retrieve his golf ball, out popped
the genie.
"Don't tell me," said the genie, "I think I know what you want this
time. You want your cock shrunk back to normal, right?"
"No!" the golfer replied, "I want you to make my legs longer!"
Little Johnny's mother was working in the kitchen listening to her
son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of
bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop!
And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the
train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of
language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to
stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your
train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes
playing with his train.
Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All
passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all
of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and
hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again
soon."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding,
we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember
that there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant
and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who
are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the B1TCH in the
kitchen!"
I love maxims - those concise capsules of worldly wisdom. I collect
them and write them and, of course, love to share them. Here are 18
random rules of life worth posting on your mirror or, better yet, why
not use them as dinner-time discussion starters?
them and write them and, of course, love to share them. Here are 18
random rules of life worth posting on your mirror or, better yet, why
not use them as dinner-time discussion starters?
1. Find the lesson in every failure, and you'll never fail.
2. The likelihood you're right is not increased by the intensity of
your conviction.
3. Real friends help you feel worthy and make you want to be better.
4. When you're in a hole, stop digging.
5. Don't confuse fun with fulfillment, or pleasure with happiness.
6. Refusing to let go of a grudge is refusing to use the key that
will set you free.
7. Hating hurts you more than the person you hate.
8. Counting on luck is counting on random chance; your odds are much
better when you plan and work.
9. It's better to be kind than clever.
10. Don't underestimate the power of persistence.
11. The easy way is rarely the best way.
12. It's much easier to burst someone else's bubble than blow up your
own.
13. You can't avoid pain, but you can avoid suffering.
14. Self-pity is a losing strategy; it repels others and weakens
you.
15. Short cuts usually produce short success.
16. Control your attitude or it will control you.
17. It's more important to be significant than successful.
18. The world is waiting for you to heal it.
* Wedding ring. The world's smallest handcuffs.
* Do you ever notice that every time you find an answer, the question
changes
* Do you ever notice that every time you find an answer, the question
changes
* Try to avoid people who are really nice to you. Sooner or later,
you know they are going to ask you for a favor.
* Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
* The high cost of living doesn't bother me when I enter a
supermarket. Nope. What gets me, though, is the high cost of leaving.
* A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
* Contrary to popular belief, used-car salesmen are fairly honest
with their customers. It's usually a condition of their parole.
* Sometimes its hard to tell the difference between the strong,
silent type and the simply stupid type.
* A husband: A person who expects his wife to be perfect and to
understand why he isn't.
* Men screw with dicks; women screw with minds.
* Easy: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.
* Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy
to take.
* Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish
we didn't.
* Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole
relationships.
* Excess is the part of breast that does not fit in your mouth and
surplus is the other breast.
* Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy
to take.
* Medicine is sky high. I got one prescription that says, "Take one
capsule as often as you can afford it."
* Sex. The only activity where you start at the top and work your way
to the bottom, while getting a raise.
* A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from
enjoying it.
* Hospitals have developed a new oral surgery technique for poor
people. The surgeon describes the operation he would perform if you
could afford it.
* Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my
own pants.
* What one generation sees as a luxury, the next sees as a necessity.
* If brains were taxed, most people would get a rebate
* You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held
against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may now
kiss the bride.
* Jewish dilemma "Free PORK"
* The three words men hate to hear most during sex "Are you in?"
* If a round peg fits into a round hole, and a square peg fits into a
square hole, then why isn't the end of your dick shaped like an axe?
* It's not the ones who don't know how to drive that cause you to
worry; it's those who don't know they don't know.
* Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was
called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.
* A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so
good.
* Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the
waist change places.
* By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
* The highways will be safer now that the price of gasoline is so
high. Nobody can afford to drink AND drive.
* Someone who thinks logically, provides a nice contrast to the real
world.
* Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
* Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
* If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
tried before
* A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
* Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
* There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
* Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you need it.
* Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.
* Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than
standing in a garage makes you a car.
* It's astonishing how politicians never say anything, yet always
insist they're being misquoted!
* Simultaneous orgasms," explains a sex therapist, "are mostly the
result of a stroke of luck.
* A lawyer is someone who writes an eighty-page document and calls it
a brief!
* It's astonishing how politicians never say anything, yet always
insist they're being misquoted!
* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
* It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
* Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite government
program.
* Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
* If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
* One of your resolutions should be to speak softly and sweetly. If
your words are soft and sweet, they won't be as hard to swallow when you
have to eat them.
* How do you know when yogurt goes bad?
* The big difference between sex for money and sex for free, is that
sex for money costs less.
* Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
* The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end
up at work.
* Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
* My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
* Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
* Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts.
* Love at first sight is possible, but it is always a good idea to
wipe off your glasses and take a second look.
* Sex is like going to the gas station. Sometimes you get full
service, and sometimes you have to go to self-serve.
* I wonder if there is really someone around to call the Mom after an
auto accident and tell her, "I was there. His/Her underwear was
spotless."
* When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason.
* Criticism wouldn't be so hard to take if it weren't so often right.
* It's not the pace of life that concerns me; it's the sudden stop at
the end.
* Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times
because they had nobody to talk about.
* I wonder if Adam ever said to Eve, "Watch it! There are plenty more
ribs where YOU came from!"
* Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
* For the man who has everything, there is now a calendar to remind
him when the payments are due.
* You might be a Redneck If... Your wife has a set of earrings that
you use as fishing lures.
* Jesus walks into a hotel, lays 3 stakes down on the counter and
asks the desk clerk, "Can you put me up for the night?"
* God invented the orgasm so women can moan even when they are happy.
* If it's a good idea, go ahead and do it; it's much easier to
apologize then it is to get permission.
* Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?
* If men could wag their penis the same way a dog wags his tail, it
would add a whole new meaning to "I'm so happy to see you!"
* Women are like computers - even your smallest mistakes are stored
in long-term memory for later retrieval.
* Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
* Family planning has many misconceptions.
* Poets who become singers go from bard to verse.
* Smokey the Bear says, "Strip mining prevents forest fires!"
* Ever notice that every time congress hammers out a new budget, its
the taxpayers who get nailed?
* Marriage is a mutual relationship only if both parties know
how/when to be mute.
* Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
* They say it is better to be poor and happy than rich and miserable.
But couldn't something be worked out, such as being moderately rich
and just moody.
* Whoever thought that one-day the only place in town to get gas at a
decent price would be Taco Bell?
* Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
* Take a look at your tax bills and you'll quit calling them "cheap
politicians."
* If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will
start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)
* When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
* After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to
itch or you'll have to pee.
* Confucius says, panties not best thing on earth but next to best
thing on earth.
* Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp who bought a warehouse?
* "Episcopalians.... they kneel, they sit, they stand, they kneel,
they sit, they stand, it's like 'Simon Says' without a winner!"
* If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
* The Bible tells us to love our neighbors. It also warns us to love
our enemies. This is probably because they are generally the same
people.
* Marriage is a mutual relationship only if both parties know
how/when to be mute.
* Life's greatest pleasures are the simple ones, like seeing the
driver who cut ahead of you on the freeway pulled over by the
police 3 miles down the road.
* Sex makes you alert and ready to face the world...
....it's an ideal substitute for a hot breakfast.
* When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America
before the white man came, an Indian said simply, "Ours."
* Bumper sticker seen on the back of a car......"I wish my wife was
this dirty!"
* Anybody who claims that marriage is a fifty-fifty proposition
doesn't know the first thing about men, women or fractions.
* The highways will be safer now that the price of gasoline is so
high. Nobody can afford to drink AND drive.
* Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.
Bad: She's coming home.
* Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
* Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry... that is why
the wife treats her husband like toxic waste.
* Women don't just choose a boyfriend... they pick him.... to pieces.
* The orthopedic doctor joined the Navy. His favorite song was
"Ankles A Way!"
* Many men say women cannot be trusted too far.
Many women, on the other hand, say men cannot be trusted too close.
* Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.
* Prince Charles is the only person who had a wife that looked like a
mistress and a mistress that looks like a wife!
* Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
* Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names
the streets after them.
* A Wise Man Once Said, I Don't Kmow, Ask a Woman
* How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the
mornings?
* The trouble with a three-day weekend is that it turns Tuesday into
Monday.
* Why does life keep teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn?
* The man who gives in when he is wrong ... is wise;
The man who gives in when he is right ... is married.
* The trouble with children is that they are not returnable.
* The tongue is located only inches from the brain, but it often
sounds as if it were miles away.
* The high cost of living doesn't bother me when I enter a
supermarket. Nope. What gets me, though, is the high cost of leaving.
* Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
* Condoms should be marketed in three sizes: jumbo, colossal, and
super colossal. In that way, men do nothave to go in and ask for
the small.
* If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many
books on How To?
* It's astonishing how politicians never say anything; yet always
insist they're being misquoted!
* Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?
* Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
* Being in debt is one way of proving you can have less than nothing.
* Sex is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end,
the faster it goes.
* Sex is a lot like doing laundry, if you have a small load, do it by
hand.
* I see sales for Viagra are way down. I guess all those old guys
finally figured out that sex with an old woman is not worth $20.
* He who laughs last thinks slowest.
* Equal opportunity means everyone will have a fair chance at being
incompetent.
* Alimony has an advantage for an ex-husband. He doesn't have to
bring his paycheck home. He can mail it.
* Archaeologists have finally come up with an explanation as to why
man eventually began walking upright. To free up their hands for
masturbation.
* Being in debt is one way of proving you can have less than nothing.
* Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
* I personally don't mind growing old, but my body's taking it badly.
* The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want,
drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
* Don't criticize your wife. If she were perfect, she would have
married much better than you.
* It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
* They say..."Love thy neighbor as thy self." What am I supposed to
do? Jerk him off too?
* Boss to employee: I like you, you're easy to talk down to.
* Men are like.....Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little
while.
* The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese.
* A study published in "Neurology" says people who snore are more
prone to getting headaches. No reason is given. But could it be
on account of their spouses hitting them in the head all night long
trying to get them to stop snoring?
* Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without a
boner, make him a sandwich.
* Equal opportunity means everyone will have a fair chance at being
incompetent.
* Scientists have just released Viagra in the form of eye drops.
Apparently it does nothing for your sex life but it makes you look
really hard.
* My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
* Men are like.....Mini skirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep
up your legs.
* On a first date, guys usually take you to a movie where you sit in
the dark staring at a screen, not speaking to each other. Makes perfect
sense, it prepares you for marriage.
* Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now
growing in the middle.
* A will is a dead giveaway.
* Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.
* If you live within your income you'll live without worry -- and a
lot of other things.
* Just be glad you're not getting all the government you're paying
for.
* I am pretty sure that sex is better than logic, but I can't prove
it.
* The marriage contract is like a mafia deal -- "till death do us
part." Even AA is one day at a time.
* Irish Coffee is the perfect breakfast because it contains all four
adult food groups: fat, sugar, caffeine and alcohol.
* The reason computers can do more work is they don't have to stop
and answer the phone.
* Temptation is caused by sensation, a guy sticks his destination in
your location to increase the population of the next generation... do
you understand my explanation or do you need a demonstration?
* Something has to be wrong; we spend sixty million a year on medical
research and two billion on get-well cards!
* The French Tennis Open for this year has been canceled due to a
national crisis. They have plenty of rackets... but no balls!!
* Sign on a bankrupt bakery: No dough today!
* Sign in a suspenders factory: We specialize in hold-ups!
* Sometimes its hard to tell the difference between the strong,
silent type and the simply stupid type.
* A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
* Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
* There are two sides to every argument, but I don't have time to
listen to yours.
* Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
* Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current
events. The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the
shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.
events. The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the
shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.
The Grandfather replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born
before:
' television
' penicillin
' polio shots
' frozen foods
' Xerox
' contact lenses
' Frisbees and
' the pill
There were no:
' credit cards
' laser beams or
' ball-point pens
Man had not invented:
' pantyhose
' air conditioners
' dishwashers
' clothes dryers
' and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and
' man hadn't yet walked on the moon
Your Grandmother and I got married first, . . . and then lived
together.
Every family had a father and a mother.
Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir".
And after I turned 25, I still called every man older than me, "Sir"
We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare
centers, and group therapy.
Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and
common sense.
We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to
stand up and take responsibility for our actions.
Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a
bigger privilege.
We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.
Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your
cousins.
Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the
evening breeze started.
Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings
and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters,
yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.
We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's
speeches on our radios.
And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening
to Tommy Dorsey.
If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk.
The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.
Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.
We had 5 & 10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5
and 10 cents.
Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were
all a nickel.
And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on
enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.
You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . . . but who could afford
one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.
In my day:
' "grass" was mowed,
' "coke" was a cold drink,
' "pot" was something your mother cooked in and
' "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.
' "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office,
' " chip" meant a piece of wood,
' "hardware" was found in a hardware store and
' "software" wasn't even a word.
And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady
needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and
confused" and say there is a generation gap... and how old do you think
I am?
I bet you have this old man in mind...you are in for a shock!
Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad
at the same time.
This man would only be 59 years old
Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he
was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal
hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After
being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a
doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it
will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes
your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure
creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is
to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live
for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had
no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was
missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he
realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new
beginning and live a new life.
He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need:
a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new
suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe
laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the
mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a
moment and then said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a
half neck" Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar
in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a
roll and said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E." Joe
was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably
around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without
hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8." Joe was
incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked,
"How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said,
"Sure..." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's
see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press
your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell
of a headache."
was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal
hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After
being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a
doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it
will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes
your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure
creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is
to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live
for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had
no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was
missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he
realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new
beginning and live a new life.
He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need:
a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new
suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe
laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the
mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a
moment and then said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a
half neck" Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar
in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a
roll and said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E." Joe
was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably
around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without
hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8." Joe was
incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked,
"How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said,
"Sure..." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's
see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press
your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell
of a headache."
A German teenage boy was upstairs playing on his computer when his
grandad came in the room and sat down on the bed.
grandad came in the room and sat down on the bed.
"What are you doing?" asked the grandad. "You're 18 years old and
wasting your life! When I was 18 I went to Paris, I went to the Moulin
Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed on the
barman and left without paying! Now that is how to have a good time!"
A week later, the grandfather comes to visit again. He finds the boy
still in his room, but with a broken arm in plaster, two black eyes and
missing all his front teeth.
"What happened?" he asked.
"Oh Grandfather!" replied the boy. "I did what you did! I went to
Paris, went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the
dancers, pissed all over the barman, and they beat the crap out of me!"
"Oh dear!" replied Grandpa. "Who did you go with?"
"Just some friends. Why? Who did you go with?"
"Oh!" replied Grandpa. "The German army!"
Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Great Gate, Saint Peter
was waiting for him. After reviewing his records Saint Pete decided to
let him in. "Follow me," he said, opening the gate and walking in.
was waiting for him. After reviewing his records Saint Pete decided to
let him in. "Follow me," he said, opening the gate and walking in.
After some walk, Saint Pete's keys accidentally fell on the ground.
Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay
man just couldn't resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing.
Saint Pete was furious. "If you do that again, You'll go straight to
hell! But follow me, we're almost there."
After some more walk, Pete dropped his keys again, and again, the
gay man jumped on him. Saint Pete was even more furious than before, but
decided to give the gay guy one last chance.
Again they walk and for the third time Pete drops his keys, so he
bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self control, jumps
on him. Pete is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight
to hell.
A few weeks later, Saint Pete goes down to hell for his routine
inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire,
no lava and in one corner, he finds the Devil lying under a stack of
blankets freezing his butt off.
"Why is it so dang cold down here?" Pete asks.
"Well you just try bending down for firewood!!" The Devil replied.
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women
differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars
thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women
with their heart.
differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars
thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women
with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't
feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT??!! What was
that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to
hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman
enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to
my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not
what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realising that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to
sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time
with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big,
big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried
on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which
one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes
to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each
outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair
of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have
thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was
testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even
know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said,
"That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from
all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally
said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't
feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a
baffled 'WHAT?'"
I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me
to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this
look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me
for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least that
bitch knows I'm smarter than her.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
misquoted AND MISUNDERSTOOD AND then used AND HELD against you FOREVER.
misquoted AND MISUNDERSTOOD AND then used AND HELD against you FOREVER.
IF YOU GIVE UP THAT RIGHT YOU WILL BE PUNISHED FOR THE REST OF YOUR
LIFE FOR WHAT SHE THOUGHT YOU MEANT BY WHAT YOU SAID WHEN YOU SHOULD
HAVE EXERCISED YOUR RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT. (EVEN IF YOU MEANT THE
EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHAT SHE THOUGHT YOU MEANT.)
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO AN ATTORNEY, ALTHOUGH THAT WON'T HELP. YOU'LL
HAVE TO PAY THEM AND YOU'LL STILL LOSE EVERYTHING IN THE DIVORCE
SETTLEMENT.
YOU CANNOT WIN-GIVE UP ALL HOPE AND JUST SHUT YOUR MOUTH-EVEN THOUGH
YOU'LL BE PUNISHED FOR REMAINING SILENT-BECAUSE YOU'RE WRONG FOR NOT
SAYING WHAT SHE THINKS YOU'RE THINKING.
REPEAT AFTER ME-"YES, DEAR!" ANYTHING ELSE WILL BE MISUNDERSTOOD,
AND YOU WILL SUFFER FOR IT.
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one
of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to
last month?"
of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to
last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest
psychological techniques, visualization, and association. It made a huge
difference for me."
"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank and he thought and thought, but couldn't remember.
Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that
flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife . . . "Rose, what was the
name of that clinic?"
* God worried that Adam would be lost in the Garden of Eden because
he wouldn't ask for directions.
he wouldn't ask for directions.
* God knew that someday Adam would need someone to hand him the TV
remote. (Parenthetically, it has been noted that men don't want to see
what's ON TV; they want to see WHAT ELSE is on.)
* God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment.
* God knew that when Adam's fig leaf wore out, he would never buy a
new one for himself.
* God knew that Adam would not remember to take out the garbage.
* God wanted man to be fruitful and multiply, but he knew Adam would
never be able to handle labor pains and childbirth.
* As "keeper of the garden," Adam would need help in finding his
tools.
* Adam needed someone to blame for the Apple Incident, and for
anything else that was really his fault.
* As the Bible says: "It is not good for man to be alone."
And the No. 1 reason of all . . .
* God stepped back, looked at Adam, and declared: "I can do better
than that"
A Belgian guy watched a Dutchman in a cafe get the most
beautiful girls without any trouble, even though he did not look very
nice. Asked how he did this, the Dutchman said, "Well very easy, when I
enter, I toss the keys of my Rolls Royce on the bar and they just flock
to me. Though I am as poor as you, the keys do it."
beautiful girls without any trouble, even though he did not look very
nice. Asked how he did this, the Dutchman said, "Well very easy, when I
enter, I toss the keys of my Rolls Royce on the bar and they just flock
to me. Though I am as poor as you, the keys do it."
So this Belgian guy buys a some nice Rolls keys and tries it also,
but to no avail.
He asks the Dutchman for advice again, "Yes says the Dutchman, if
you don't take off your bicycle helmet it don't work."
An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three
kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes
an aptitude test. The human resources manager tells him, "You will be
hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address
so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail
you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on
your first day."
kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes
an aptitude test. The human resources manager tells him, "You will be
hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address
so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail
you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on
your first day."
Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a
computer nor an e-mail address. To this the manager replies, "You must
understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do
not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be
employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in
his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25
lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a
busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all
the tomatoes and makes 100% profit.
Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with
almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries
for his family.
During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next
day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working
into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.
Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several
boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart
to buy a broken-down pickup truck.
At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have
left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his
wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at
the community college so she can keep books for him.
By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks
and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.
He continues to work hard.
Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice
trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms
that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of
homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the
business grossed a million dollars.
Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance.
Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit
his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address
in order to send the final documents electronically.
When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a
computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What,
you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you
would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"
"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be
sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour!!!"
Which brings us to the moral of the story: Since you got this story
by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire!
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was
affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the
doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem.
affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the
doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem.
In response the doctor said, "When you feel the urge to ejaculate,
try startling yourself".
One the way home the man went to a sports store and bought himself a
starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he runs home to
his wife. When he gets home he is surprised and delighted to find his
wife in bed, already naked. He's so horney and keen to try out his new
'system' that he doesn't think twice and leaps on board.
After a few minutes 'slap and tickle', they find themselves in the
'69' position. Sure enough, only moments later the man feels the sudden
urge to come. Following doctor's orders, he grabs the starter pistol off
the bedside table and fires it.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked,
"How did it go?"
The man answered, "Just great, asshole...when I fired the pistol my
wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick and my neighbor came out
of the closet naked with his hands in the air!"
There was a couple going at it for the first time, and after a while,
the guy asks the woman to open her legs a little wider.
the guy asks the woman to open her legs a little wider.
She does and they continue.
A few minutes go by and he tells her again, "Open your legs a little
wider."
She does, then he says again, "A little wider, hon."
The woman starts getting pissed off but she does it.
This continues until he asks again, "Can you open them just a little
wider?"
So she finally yells, "What are you trying to do; get your balls in
too?"
He says "No, I'm trying to get them out."
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