Hump

One day a humped-back man was on his way home and he took a short
cut through a graveyard. He passed an open grave and to his surprise
Satan jumps out and says" give me your money!"

The man replies, " I have no money."

Satan says" give me your jewels!"

The man replies "I have no jewels."

"Well what do you have?" Satan asks.

"All I have," the man says, " is this hump on my back!"

"Give me that" Satan screams, and takes the hump off the mans back
and the man straightens up and walked away cured. When he got home he
told his friend, who had a pretty bad limp, about his experience with
the devil.

That next night his friend with the limp was walking home and took
that same short cut through the cemetery and came across that open
grave, and just like before Satan jumps out."Give me your money!"

"I have no money" the man says.

"Give me your jewels!" Satan screams.

"I have no jewels" the man simply replies.

"Well what do you have? Satan asks.

"All I have," the man answers, feeling pretty lucky" Is this limp."

"Oh," says Satan "Well, here's a hump to go with it!"

Undies

There was a young girl who loved to wear dresses everyday to school.

One day a boy asked her to climb the flag pole for a box of cookies.

She climbed the pole and all the boys in the schoolyard could
clearly see her underpants.

When she got home she bragged to her mother that she got a box of
cookies for climbing a flag pole. The mother knew that the kids just
wanted to see her underpants so she told the girl not to climb the
pole again.

Of course the little girl didn't believe her mom and the next day
the boy asked her to climb the pole for a box of candy. She did and
they all saw her underpants and laughed.

When she went home she told her mother the news. Her mother was
angry. She told the girl she shouldn't climb the pole. She told
her, "They just want to see your underpants and if you climb the pole
again you are grounded!"

The next day the same boy asked her to climb the pole for more
goodies, so up the pole she went.

When she came home she told her mother what she got for climbing the
pole and her mother went ape. "I told you they only wanted to see
your underpants!" she raged.

"But mommy", the little girl answered, "this time I was smart enough
not to wear any."

Geographic Location

A man goes to the Lucas Carlton in Paris with his girlfriend and
orders the 1928 Mouton. The waiter returns with a decanter full of
wine, pours a small amount in the glass for tasting.

The customer picks up the glass, smells the wine, and puts it down
on the table with a thud. "This is not the 1928 Mouton."

The waiter assures him it is, and soon there is another twenty
people surrounding the table including the chef and the manager of
the hotel trying to convince the man that the wine is the 1928
Mouton. Finally someone asks him how he knows, it is not the 1928
Mouton.

"My name is Phillipe de Rothschild, and I made the wine."
Consternation.

Finally the original waiter steps forward and admits that he poured
the Clerc Milon 1928. "I could not bear to part with our last bottle
of 1928 Mouton. You own Clerc Milon, it is in the same village as
Mouton, you pick the grapes at the same time, the same cepage, you
crush in the same way, you put them into similar barrels. You bottle
at the same time, you even use eggs from the same chickens to fine
them. The wines are the same, except for a small matter of geographic
location."

Rothschild beckons the waiter forward, and whispers to him, "When
you return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her underwear.
Put one finger in one opening, another in the other, and smell the
difference that a small matter of geographic location will give."

Business Love Letter

Dearest Ms Juliet,

I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love
with you since the 14th of October (Sunday). With reference to the
meeting held between us on 13 Oct. at 1500 hrs, I would like to
present myself as a prospective lover.

Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three
months and depending in compatibility, would be made permanent. Of
course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the
job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to
promotions from lover to spouse.

The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially
be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance. I
might take up a larger share of the expenses. However, I am broad-
minded enough, to be taken care of, on your expense account.

I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this
letter, failing which, offer would be cancelled without further
notice and shall be considering sometime else.

I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to you
sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.

Thanking you in anticipation.

Yours sincerely, Mr.
ROMEO

BUISNESS REPLY TO THE ABOVE LETTER

Dear Mr.Romeo

Please refer to you letter dated today.

I am pleased to inform you that I hope to accept your
proposal for romance. However, you should be informed that there are
certain conditions of acceptance. Promotional prospects are to my
satisfaction. However, please enlighten me as to your retirement
benefits. Gratuity should be generous. I also need to be assured that
there is sufficient security concerning this commitment.

If there is any chance at all of retrenchment or consequent
disinterest on your part, then I should receive monetary compensation
according to union standards.

Due to the nature of my position, I am sure you will agree
that an expense account should be arranged for my access in light of
the 'VIP' I shall be entertaining. In addition, housing and transport
allowances should be in order and nothing less than a luxury
condominium and a Jag are in order. Please also note that there
should be no moonlight restrictions placed on myself.

If you are still interested in the relationship, please
reply on an urgent basis as other prospective lovers have sent
indications of interest.

Please also note that my sister is happily employed.

Just Helping

Khurshid Bukhari was sitting in his second grade class when he looked
out the window and saw two dogs screwing in the school yard. He jumped
up and hollered, "Hey, everyone! look at that!"

The teacher ran to the window and pulled the blind.

A little girl in the front row said, "Teacher, what was those two dogs
doing?

The teacher said that the dog on top had a broken leg, and the dog on
the bottom was helping him get home.

Khurshid Bukhari then said, "Teacher, ain't that just like life, you
try to help someone out and end up getting screwed?"

Arthritis

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat
down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was
full of bright red lipstick and he had a half empty bottle of wine
sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started
reading---a couple of minutes later he asked the priest, "Father what
causes arthritis"?

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women,
too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man".

"Well I'll be damned", the drunk muttered and returned to reading
his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he said turned to the man and
apologized. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong---how long
have you had arthritis"?

"I don't, father, I was just reading in the paper that the Pope has
it".

Lunch For Jesus

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a Brooklyn
construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and
decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch sit with the workers and talk
with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the
spot where the men were eating.

She walked up to the group and with a big smile and said, "Do you
men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other. One of the workers
looked up into the steelwork and yelled "Anybody up there know Jesus
Christ?"

One of the steelworkers asked why. The worker yelled, "His wife is
here with his lunch".

One Wish

A Pakistani, an American and an Indian are all in Saudi Arabia,
sharing a smuggled crate of alcohol and drugs when, all of a sudden,
Saudi police rush in and arrest them.

The mere possession of drugs is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so
for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the drugs,
they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers,
they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life
imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday
the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent King
decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of
the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the King
announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me
to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The American was first in line, he thought for a while and
then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back.

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip
went through. When the punishment was done the American had to be
carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Pakisthani was next up. After watching the American in
horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back."

But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went
through again and the Indian was soon led away whimpering loudly (as
they all do).

The Indian was the last one up, but before he could say anything,
the King turned to him and said: "We have brotherly relations with
your country. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", The Paki
replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you
give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you
are also very brave". The King said with an admiring look on his
face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your
second wish, what is it to be?" the King asked.

The indian smiled and said, "Tie the Pakisthani to my back."

Pope And The Sikh

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Sikhs had
to leave Italy. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Sikh
community.

So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a
member of the Sikh community. If the Sikh won, the Sikhs could stay.
If the Pope won, the Sikhs would leave.

The Sikhs realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle
aged man named Santa Singh to represent them.

Santa Singh asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more
interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk.

The Pope agreed. The day of the great debate came. Santa Singh & the
Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised
his hand & showed three fingers. Santa Singh looked back at him &
raised one finger.

The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Santa Singh
pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope pulled out a wafer & a glass of wine. Santa Singh pulled
out an apple. The Pope stood up & said I give up. This man is too
good. The Sikhs can stay.

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him
what had happened.

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the
trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that
there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my
finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded
by pointing to the ground & showing that God was also right here with
us. I pulled out the wine & wafer to show that God absolves us from
our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had
an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Sikh community had crowded around Santa Singh. "What
happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Santa Singh, "First he said to me that the Sikhs had
three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was
leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of
Sikhs. I pointed down to let him know that we were staying right here
in this land."

"Yes, yes & then???" asked the crowd.

"I don't know", said Santa Singh, "He took out his lunch & I took
out mine."

Tree Full Of Monkeys

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys... all on different
limbs... at different levels... some climbing up.

The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

Night Shift

A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the
bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast
asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet
and proceeded to make love to her.

Later, he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled
to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.

"How'd you get down here so fast?" he asked. "We just made love!"

"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came
over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her to lie
down for awhile."

Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't
believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?"

The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for fifteen
years and I wasn't about to start now!"

Winner

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you
have to answer questions to win the cash prize. Lady luck had smiled
in her favor, as Jane had gained a substantial lead over her
opponents. She even managed to win the game, but unfortunately, time
had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question.
Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was
nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home.

"I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are.
You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look
like garbage tomorrow!"

"Relax, honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her. "It will all be
OK."

Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and
started heading out the door.

"Where are you going?" Jane asked.

"I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon" he replied.

Jane waited impatiently for Roger's return. After an agonizing 3
hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked
grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"

"What is it?" she cried excitedly.

"OK. The question is: 'What are the three main parts of the male
anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.'"

Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep, with Jane, now feeling
confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. At
3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was
asking her the quiz show question.

"The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before
returning to sleep.

And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was
brushing her teeth.

Once again, Jane replied correctly.

So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even
though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the
butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through
her veins.

The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience
of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big
question. "Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male
anatomy? You have 10 seconds."

"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously.

"Very good. Six seconds."

"Eh, uh, the heart?"

"Very good! Four seconds."

"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night
and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

"That's close enough," said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!"

Kangaroooooo

Visiting the zoo one day, a lady noticed one of the kangaroos had a
huge set of balls. She couldn't believe the size of these hummers, and
when the 'roo ventured close to the bars of the enclosure, she reached
thru the bars and gave his cods a squeeze.

The animal, startled, jumped clear over the fence and bounded away
down the path.

A keeper saw the critter fading out of sight, and running up to the
woman, said "What did you do to that kangaroo?"

I just gave his nuts a tweak to see if they were real!" she wailed.

"Well," he said, dropping his pants, "you'd better tweak mine, 'cause
I have to catch that sucker"!

The Warm Soup

One day a man went into a restaurant and ordered a bowl of soup. The
waitress brought his order out to him on a tray with her middle finger
immersed in the middle of his soup bowl.

"What the hell's the idea of putting your finger in my soup bowl?" the
man bellowed at the waitress.

"My doctor said the best thing for my rheumatism was to keep my finger
pressed in a warm damp place," the waitress informed him.

"Oh yeah, " the man shouted, "then why don't you take that finger and
of yours and shove it up your fat ass?"

"I'm sorry sir the waitress replied, but I already tried that before I
brought your soup out."

How To Get Baby

Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her
youngest daughter walks in.

Mother, where do babies come from?

Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night
they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex. (The daughter
looks puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's
vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.

Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy's room
you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?

Jewelry, dear.

Two Italian Friends

Two Italian friends are talking to each other one evening .

Roberto says "Tell me Geno, in all honesty, what do you think of a
woman with a growth of black hair under her nose ? "

Geno replies "Shit no, I would never be turned on by a woman like
that "

Roberto says "O.K. , so tell me ,"what about a woman with big black
hairs growing under her arms ? "

Geno says "For shits sake what are you talking about ?, I couldn't
even get it up with a woman like that "

Roberto says "O.K. but let me ask you another question, what about a
woman with long black hairs growing on her legs, never shaves her
legs?"

Geno replies "Shit man give me a break, I would never get into bed
with a woman like that".

Roberto says "O.K. so answer me one last question, if all you say is
true, why the hell are you FUCKING my wife !!! ? " .

Fifty Rupees Business

Musharraf is out jogging around in some of the seedier areas of
Islamabad. He notices a good looking prostitute. She sees this and
calls out: "Five hundred rupees!"

He is tempted, but the price is a little high. So he calls
back: "Fifty!" She is disappointed and turns away and Musharraf
continues his jog.

A few days later, he finds himself jogging in the same area and as
luck would have it, the prostitute is still there. But she would not
come down on her price. "Five Hundred!" she shouts and Musharraf
answers her: "Fifty!" No sale.

About a week later, Sehba(Musharraf's wife) has decided that she
wants to get into shape so she demands to go jogging with Musharraf.
They get to the seedy part of town and the same prostitute is still
there. She eyes Musharraf and Sehba together and yells: "See what you
get for fifty rupees!"

Staying Power

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Australian on an
overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing
their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman
bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told
me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian
responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told
me she could never love another man."

When the Australian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly
asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say
to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

How To Be A Boss

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be the boss.

The brain said, "since I control everything and do all the thinking,
I should be the boss."

The feet said, "since I carry man where he wants to go and get him
in position to do what the brain wants, then I should be the boss."

The hands said, "since I must do all the work and earn all the money
to keep the rest of you going, I should be the boss."

And so it went with the eyes, the heart, the lungs, and all the
other parts of the body, each giving the reason why they should be
the boss.

Finally, the asshole spoke up and said it was going to be the boss.

All the other parts laughed and laughed at the idea of the asshole
being the boss. The asshole got so angry that he blocked himself off
and refused to function.

Soon the brain was feverish and could barely think, the feet felt
like lead weights and was almost too weak to drag the body anywhere,
the eyes grew bleary, and the hands hung useless at the sides. All
pleaded with the brain to let the asshole be declared the boss.

And so it happened; all the other parts did all the work and the
asshole just bossed and passed out a lot of crap.

THE MORAL: You don't have to be a brain to be a boss, just an old
asshole.

Alternate moral: No matter how well things are going, it can all be
shut down by a single asshole.

I'm A Virgin

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and
says, "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiance thinks I'm
a virgin. Is there anything you can do to help me?"

The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try.
On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an
elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your husband puts
it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity
snapping."

The woman loves this idea and knows her hubby to be will fall for
this.
They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The
wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up
her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man. Things
begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in" and she snaps the elastic
band.

The hubby asks, "What the heck was that?

The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity
snapping."

The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!"

Go Easy At First

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob
went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe
went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful
she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for
supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told
her how much he loved her.

Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was
surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd
started this about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage, and
things couldn't be better.

Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a
massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her.

His wife burst into tears.

Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is
the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and
twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the
basement. And now, you come home drunk!"

Home Work

Clinton was at a fund raiser. He had to take a leak so he went to the
bathroom, stepped up to a toilet and whipped it out.

Just then Jessie Jackson walked in, went to the toilet next to Clinton
and took his out.

Clinton looked down and said "Geez, Jessie, how the heck did you get
such a big cock?"
Jessie said "Easy, every time I am about screw, I slap my dick on the
bed post four times, as hard as I can".

Clinton put this in the back of his little mind. When Clinton went
home, he saw Hillary sound asleep. Bill felt the urge, so he whipped
little willie out and slapped it real hard four times against the bed
post.

At that time, Hillary said "Is that you Jessie?"

Kids Learn Fast

A little boy is getting ready for visitors & he goes up to his mom &
dad's room. They're fighting (as usual).

His mom says, 'Shut up bastard!' & the kid says, 'Mommy, mommy, what
does that word mean?'

'It'sanother word for gentleman.'

His dad says, 'No it does not Bitch!' & the kid
says, 'Daddy,daddy,what does that word mean?'

'It means lady.' & the kid breaks up the fight.

His mom goes to the bathroom & his dad goes to the kitchen. The kid
goes to the bathroom & his mom says,'Shit!' because she smeared
makeup all over.

And the kid says, 'Mommy what does that word mean?'

'It means makeup.'

So the kid goes to the kitchen & his dad is cutting the turkey, he
cuts himself & he says, 'Fuck'

'Daddy, what does that word mean?'

'It means cutting.'

The little kid goes up to his sister's room & she's talking to her
boyfriend on the phone & says,'You're such a dick!'

'Sister, what does that word mean?'

'It means boyfriend.'

And at that moment the doorbell rings and the kid opens the door.
The visitors were there. The kid says, 'Hello, bitches & bastards! My
mom is in the bathroom putting shit on her face, my dad is in the
kitchen fucking the turkey, and my sister is in her room talking to
her dick!'

Skin Can Tell

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women
make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes
hair shine and skin smooth.

2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering
dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses
the pores and makes your skin glow.

3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that
romantic dinner.

4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and
tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable
than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!

5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases
endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and
leaving you with a feeling of well-being.

6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually
active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called
pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!

7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE
EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.

8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages
saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid
that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.

9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release
the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.

10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural
antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

Body Language

A woman gets on a city bus. She looks at the driver and holds up one
hand; the driver holds up two hands.

Next, the woman points up; the driver points down.

Then, the woman grabs her breast; the driver grabs his crotch.

Finally, the woman grabs her butt and gets off the bus.

A curious passenger asked the bus driver what the odd motions were
all about.

The driver explained, "The woman is a deaf-mute. She asked me if a
bus ride is five cents, and I told her it was ten cents. Next, she
asked if the bus was going uptown, and I told her it was going
downtown. Then, she asked if the bus was going pass the milk-farm,
and I told her it was going pass the ball-park."

The passenger interjected, "Okay, but why did she grab her butt as
she left the bus?"

The driver continued, she replied "Oh shit, I'm on the wrong bus!"

Biggest & Darkest

A man walks into a whorehouse and asks to have the biggest, darkest-
skinned black womam in the place. So the manager says: "Follow me."

The manager takes him to the second floor, opens the first door to
his right and there is a beautiful 350 pound African American women.
The man replies: "She's not big enough."

"Not big enough?!" the manager yells out.

"That is what I said. I need a women of at least 700 pounds."

So the manager steps back, rubbing his chin, and says "Okay, come
back in acouple of days and I'll see what I can do."

"Thank you," says the man.

A couple of days later the man comes back and the manager takes him
to the second floor, opens the first door on his right and BOOM there
she is, the exact kind of woman he wanted!

The man tells the woman to get naked and lay on the bed spread
eagle, so she does. The man stares at her pussy for ten solid
minutes, then gets up and says "I'm done."

The manager hasn't even left the room by this point, so he
says: "What do you mean you're done?"

"Well you see," came the reply, "I just painted my house black and I
wanted to see what It would look like with pink shutters!"

Sperm Donor

A man walks into a sperm bank and declares I'm of royal blood and an
I.Q. of 165, I'd like to make a donation.

The nurse gives him a sealed cup and directs him to a provate room.

20 minutes later the man hasn't come out, the nurse knocks on the
door. "Is there a problem?"

"I'm so embarrassed, I used my right hand. I used my left hand. I
poured cold water on it and hot water on it. Could you help me?

The nurse replied "I don't usually do this but you are kinda cute..."

She gets on her knees and begins to blow him.

"I really appreciate this, but I need help getting the cap off the
jar!"

Are U A Carrot, An Egg Or A Bean

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how
things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to
make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and
struggling. It seemed that as one problem was solved a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water.
In the first, she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs and
in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil
without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the
carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and
placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it
in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me what do you
see?"

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she ! replied.

She brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did
and noted that they got soft. She then asked her to take an egg and
break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled
egg. Finally, she asked her to sip the coffee.

The daughter smiled, as she tasted its rich flavor and enjoyed the
rich aroma. The daughter then asked. "What's the point, mother?"

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same
adversity--boiling water--but each reacted differently. The carrot
went in strong, hard and unrelenting. However after being subjected
to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been
fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But,
after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.
The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the
boiling water they had changed the harsh environment of the boiling
water.

"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on
your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee
bean?"

Which am I?

Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity, do I
wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with
the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a
financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened ?
Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough
with a dry spirit and a hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot
water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water
gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the
bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the
situation around you. When the hours are the darkest ! and trials are
their greatest do you elevate to another level?

How do you handle Adversity?

ARE YOU A CARROT, AN EGG, OR A COFFEE BEAN?

Don't tell GOD how big your storm is. Tell the storm how big your
GOD is!

At The Command

It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was
topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed
hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he
announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three
people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to
hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye
on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my
family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed
the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's
fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!!!" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

Some Thing About Girls

* If you treat her nice she says "yaar mujhe line de raha hay"

* If you don't she says "kitna akroo hai"

* If you dress nicely she says "mujhay impress karna chata hai"

* If you don't she says "tasteless hai yaar"

* If you argue with her she says "ziddi hai"
* If you sit quietly she says, "dumb hai"

* If you act smarter she'll lose her brain as you are insulting her

* If she acts smarter she think it's her right

* If you don't love her she says, "Is ka to pehlay say hi 2,3 larkion
kay saath chakar hai"

* If you love her she says "peechay hi par Gaya hai"

* If you are skinny she says "You should have appropriate mass at
appropriate places"

* If you are healthy she says, "You should be smart"

* If you don't tell her your problem she says "You are not honest to
me"

* If you do tell to her she says "You are a problem child"

* If you scold her she says, "You act like a NANA giving lecture"

* If she scolds you she says "Yaar, its because I care"

* If you break a promise she says, "She does not trust you any more"

* If she breaks she says "Jaan main majboor thi"

* If you smoke she says "You are a bad boy"

* If she smokes she says "Just for enjoyment yaar"

* If you do well in exams she says "Qismat ne saath diya warna tum or
good marks"

* If she gets goods mark she says" Its my brain"

* If you hurt her she says "You are cruel & don't care of my
feelings"

* If she hurts you she replies"You are not understanding"

& They claim they are not Hypocrates, Interesting na !!!

Messages From Newly Wed Daughters

A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married
within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how
their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a
postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.
The card said nothing but "Nescafe".

Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out
the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good 'til the last drop. Mom blushed, but
was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding,
and the card read "Benson & Hedges".

Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she
read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size". She was
again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited
for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then
after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky
handwriting were the words" "British Airways".

Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through
the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the
airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both
ways."

Mom fainted.

Stairway To Heaven

A Marwari, a Bengali, and a Sardar were on their way to Heaven.
God told them that the stairway to Heaven was 1000 steps, and that on
every 25th step he would tell them a joke. He told them not to laugh
at any of the jokes along the way or else they would not be able to
enter heaven.

The Marwari went first and started laughing on the 150th step, so
she could not enter heaven.

The Bengaliwent next and started laughing on the 350th step, so
she could not enter heaven either.

Then, it was the Sardar's turn. When he got to the 999th step,
she started laughing hysterically.

"Why are you laughing?" God asked. "I didn't even tell a joke."

"I know," the Sardar replied. "I just got the first one."