SUSPECT: Good ones

PRINTER CLEANINGS    When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.    Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"    "Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

 

 WATCH

 

 Johnny was in the playground with his friend Jimmy when he noticed the brand new shiny watch Jimmy was wearing.

 

 "Did you get that for your birthday?" he asked.

 

 "Nope," Jimmy replied.

 

 "Well, did you get it for Christmas then?" Johnny asked.

 

 "Nope."

 

 "You didn't steal it did you?"

 

 "No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were on the job. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me."

 

 Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself.

 

 That night he waited outside his parents' room until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking.

 

 Johnny swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and asked him angrily, "What do you want now?"

 

 "I wanna watch," Johnny replied.

 

 "Well, stand in the corner and keep quiet then," said his father.

 

 

 

"Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again."

 Rakesh Jain | Associate Consultant | +91 80 2208 3844 (O) | +91 93429 25974 (M)

 Banking Products Division, Oracle Financial Services
 Bangalore, India

 Oracle Financial Services Software Limited was formerly i-flex solutions limited.

 

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SUSPECT: MAN, HIS DOG N THE NUNS

There was once a man and his dog, whom were stranded on an
island. One day, the man was really desperate and wanted to have sex
real bad, so he went round the island, hoping to find a woman or
something. All he found was a wooden barrel. So with that, he poked a
hole through the middle of the barrel and screwed till he was satisfied.
Ever since then, he used that to fulfill his sexual desires.

One day, his dog, has the sexual urge too, so it decides to use the
method that its master have been using.

So the two of them used the barrel until they died.

About 50 years later, the island was founded by a group of old nuns
and they built a nunnery there.

One day the Chief Nun found a certain barrel which contained a
loadful of wax, so she took it and made them into candles. The candles
were then being used to light up the nunnery in the dark until one day,
a nun got naughty and decided to satisfy herself with the candles. She
throughly enjoyed herself from that.

However, 10 months later, she rushed into the Mother Superior's room
and said, "I've got to confess, I used the candle to screw myself 9
months ago and now I have a baby."

Mother Superior then replied, "You're more fortunate my child, I've
got a puppy..."

Little Johnny does again

A new teacher was getting to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father did for a living.
The first little girl said: "My name is Mary and my Daddy is a postman."
The next child, a little boy said: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic."
And so it went until one little boy said: "My name is Johnny and my father is a striptease artist in a gay club."
The teacher gasped and quickly changed the subject. Later, in the school yard, the teacher approached Little Johnny privately and asked if it was really true that his dad danced nude in a gay bar.
Little Johnny blushed and said, "No, he's really a Business Development Director at Lehman Brothers, but I'm just too embarrassed to tell anyone."

Ultimate Quote for the day...

Indian & American... too good

An Indian is having his breakfast (coffee, croissants, bread, butter
And jam) when an American man; chewing gum, sits down next to him.

The Indian ignores the American who, nevertheless, starts a
conversation. American: "You Indians eat the whole bread?"

Indian (coolly): "Of course."

American: (after blowing a huge bubble)"We don't. In America, we only
eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container recycle it,

transform them into croissants and sell them to India." The American
has a smirk on his face.

The Indian munches on... gives a cold look but did not reply.

The American refuses to take the cue and persists: "Do you eat jelly
with the bread??"

Indian: "Of Course."

American: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We
don't. In America we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all
the peels, seeds,

and left overs in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam
and sell the jam to India."

The Indian puts his coffee mug down...looks straight in the American's
eye and then asks: "Do you have sex in America?"

American: "Why of course we do", the American says with a big smirk.

Indian: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

American: "We throw them away, of course."

Indian: "We don't. In India, we put them in a container, recycle them,
melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to America.

SUSPECT: Tips to Handle Disturbing Marketing Calls

First caller:
--------------------

Girl: Hello Sir, this is Pooja calling from Country Club.
Me: I Pooja!
Girl: Sir, we are offering life time Country Club membership for Rs.1.5 lakh only!
Me: Wow, what an offer! Only 1.5 lakh! How come so cheap?
Girl: Sir, I am not joking (with a chuckle).
Me: Neither me. You know, one of my friends already has Club Mahindra membership at Rs.1.5 lakh per year. Do you have any concession on group booking? I think we have
around 8 people in my team.
Girl: Sir, along with this, you will get 2 air tickets to Goa absolutely free!
Me: Free? I mean after becoming a member, isn't it?
Girl: We are also offering 8/6 site in Tumkur.
Me: What should I do with that site?
Girl: You know Sir, if you have more people in your group, you can have a farm house there ...
Me: where we can enjoy our retired life (continuing from where she left)
Girl: I am not joking, Sir!
Me: Who said that you are joking? Seriously Madam, I am serious. (Can't control my loud laughter this time)
Girl: Ok Sir, I think you are not interested. And she hangs up.


Second caller:
--------------------
Girl: Hi Sir, this is Pooja calling from ICICI Bank.
Me: Oh, Pooja, nice to hear your voice!
Girl: (amused by reaction) Sir, we are offering home loans for 12% interest.
Me: Oh, is that so? It's good, but I have an offer from another bank which is giving home loan for only 2% interest!
Girl: Only 2% interest?
Me: Yeah, it's only 2%, seriously.
Girl: Which bank, Sir? I do not think any bank is offering at this interest rate.
Me: (lowering my voice) I can't tell you, you know it's a private bank!
Girl: No Sir, it's not possible. If that's the case, then, I'm also interested.
Me: If you want to know the name of the bank, give your mobile number or e-mail ID as I cannot disclose this information over phone. I am bound not to disclose the details.
Girl: Okay. She disconnects the call.


Third caller:
--------------------
Girl: Hello Sir, I am Pooja calling from ...
Me: (interrupting her) Hang on for a moment ... (taking my time) ..Okay let's play "Kaun Banega Crorepati" with... sorry, I forgot your name?
Girl: Sorry ....
Me: What's your name, Madam? Am I speaking in an alien language?
Girl: Pooja...
Me: Audience, we have Pooja on our hot seat. Let's play "Kaun Banega Crorepati" with Pooja. (Of course, mimicking Big B's accent) Here is the first question to Pooja for 1,000
rupees on your computer screen. (Adding standard KBC music) Which bank you are calling from? (a) ICICI (b) HDFC (c) Deutsche (d) Others.
Girl: Funny (light laugh)...Okay, I am calling from HDFC.
Me: Computer, please lock (b) HDFC ...And yes (b) HDFC is the right answer. You have won 1,000 rupees!
Girl: Sir, are you interested in ... (again interruption by me).
Me: (my own voice) aren't you enjoying it? I think YES (switching back to Big B voice again) Ready for another question? And here goes the second question for 2,000 rupees
on your computer screen. What is the reason behind your call to me? (a) Credit/debit card (b) Home loan/personal loan (c) Mutual fund (d) Others.
Girl: Okay, it's enough. Are you interested in free Gold Credit Card offered by us?
Me: Oh no, wrong answer. Sorry Poojaji, I already have credit card from ICICI. I have been telling the participants that whenever you have doubt in mind, go for the life lines.
And you have not used any of your life lines. What a pity!
Girl: She hangs up. (As expected)

6 TRUTHS OF LIFE

1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.

2. All idiots, after reading the first 'truth', will try it.

3. The first truth is a lie.

4. You are smiling now because you're an idiot.

5. You will soon forward this to another idiot.

6. There is still a stupid smile on your face.

Rakesh Jain | Associate Consultant | +91 80 2208 3844 (O) | +91 93429
25974 (M)
Banking Products Division, Oracle Financial Services
Bangalore, India
Oracle Financial Services Software Limited was formerly i-flex
solutions limited.

-----Original Message-----
From: Rakesh Sampathraj-IP
Sent: Thursday, September 25, 2008 5:18 PM
Subject: SLEEPING PILLS

Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills.

Wife: When must I give them to him?

Doctor: They are for you.

SLEEPING PILLS

Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills.

Wife: When must I give them to him?

Doctor: They are for you.

Official Matters -Funny

DUE TO BUDGET CUTS, THIS IS YOUR NEW CUBICLE
EFFECTIVE JANUARY 1, 2009 NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:
--------------
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your
salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we
will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need
a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money
better,so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not
need a
raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be
and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
--------------
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of
sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come
to work.

Personal Days:
--------------
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.. They
are called Fridays & Saturdays.

Bereavement Leave:
--------------
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort
should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements
in your place.
In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral
should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow
you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour
early.

Bathroom Breaks:
--------------
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the
end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will
retract,the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After
your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company
bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught
smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental
health policy.

Lunch Break:
--------------
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat
more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal
to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide
a positive employment experience.. Therefore, all questions,
comments, concerns, complaints,frustrations, irritations,
aggravations, insinuations, allegations,accusations, contemplations,
consternation and
input should be directed else where.

The Management

Native Chief

An old Native Chief sat in his hut on the reservation,
smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two Government officials sent to
interview
him.

"Chief Two Eagles" asked one Official, "You have observed the
white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological
advances.
You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The Official continued, "Considering all these events,
in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the Government officials for over a minute and
then calmly replied,
"When white man found the land, Natives were running it..No
taxes..No debt..Plenty buffalo..Plenty beaver..Women did all the
work..
Medicine man free. Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing and
all night having sex."

Then the Chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to
think he could improve system like that.

GEOGRAPHY OF WOMEN

Between the ages of 15 - 20 a woman is like Africa.
She is half discovered, half wild.

Between the ages of 20 - 30 a woman is like America.
Fully discovered and scientifically perfect.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India & Japan.
Very hot, wise and beautiful !!!!!!!!!

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France.
She is half destroyed after the war but still desirable.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Germany.
She lost the war but not the hope.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia.
Very wide, very quiet but nobody goes there.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England.
With a glorious past but no future.

After 70, they become Siberia.
Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

Drivers Licence

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play
date.

'Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother
replied.

'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are
really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a
divorce?'

'That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to
her friend.

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her drivers
license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old
you are, you are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,'I know why you and daddy
got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.'

If you see someone without a smile today give them one of yours!

Shirley's Makeover

A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One
day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital.
While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw
God and asked, "Is this it?" God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40
years to live." Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital
and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and
breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured
since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most
of it. She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation
and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived
in front of God and said, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40
years?" God replied, "Shirley! I didn't recognize you!

God Will Provide

A young woman brings home her fiancée to meet her parents. After
dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man.
The father invites the fiancée to his study for a drink. "So what are
your plans?" the father asks the young man. "I am a Torah scholar." he
replies. "A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what
will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as
she's accustomed to?" "I will study," the young man replies, "and God
will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement
ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will
provide for us." "And children?" asks the father. "How will you support
children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancée.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father
questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the
mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?" The father answers, "He has no job
and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

Obedient Maid

Man calls home.Maid answers phone.He says, "Can I speak to my wife?"She
says, "No, she's upstairs in bed with her boyfriend."He's maid--
says, "Ok, go to the hall closet and take out my shotgun. Go upstairs
and kill them both."Being the loyal maid, she says, "Ok."5 minutes
later she picks up the phone and says, "Ok, they're both dead. What
should I do with the bodies?"He says, "Throw them in the pool, and I'll
take care of them when I get home."She says, "We don't have a pool."He
asks, "Is this 555-8372?"

A Lottery Ticket

Banta Singh finds himself in dire trouble.
His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble.
He's so desperate that he decides to ask Bhagwan for help. He goes
into the temple and begins to pray.
"Oh Bhagwan, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get
some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the
lotto". Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Banta Singh goes back to the synagogue.
"Bhagwan, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my
house and I'm going to lose my car as well". Lotto night comes and
Banta still has no luck!!

Back to the temple... "My Bhagwan, why
have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my
wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I
have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win
the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???".
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of
light as the sky parts open and the Banta is confronted by the voice
of the God:
"BANTA SINGH, BUY A TICKET FIRST".

You thought Santa Singh is dumb

Santa and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from
Patiyala to NewDelhi. The lawyer asks if he would like to play a fun
game. Santa, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines
and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer
persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He
says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you
pay me fifty rupees, and vice versa."

Again, Santa declines and tries to get
some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know
the answer, you pay me Rs. 50, and if I don't know the answer, I will
pay you Rs. 5000."

This catches Santa's attention and,
figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the
earth to the moon?"

Santa doesn't say a word, reaches into his purse, pulls out a Rs. 50
bill, and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "your
turn." Santa asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes
back with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all
his references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his
modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ...
no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and
coworkers but to no avail. After an hour,he wakes Santa and hands him
Rs. 5000. Santa thanks him and turns back toget some more sleep. The
lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs Santa and
asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, Santa reaches into his
purse, hands the lawyer Rs. 50, and goes back to sleep. And you
thought Santa Singh is dumb.

Funniest Quotes

# I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she
marrying him?
# It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world
every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
# Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two lifeforms, one
of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who
would you assume is in charge.
# According to most studies, people's number one fear is public
speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two.
Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to
a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
# Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
# The Swiss have an
interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty
impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss
Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there.
Corkscrews. Bottle openers. "Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past
me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off.
I've got the toe clippers right here.
# Why do people give each other
flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing
living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make
up. Have this deceased squirrel."
# Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished.
Why isn't it a "built"?
# The big advantage of a book
is it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the
beginning.
# Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
# The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men
are all the same; so we might as well dress them that way. That's why
a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride
and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women
because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom
chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the
next guy.
# I will never understand why
they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The
end of the show they hold it up to the camera, "Well, here it is. You
can't have any.
Thanks for watching. Goodbye."
# You can measure distance by time. "How far away is it?" "Oh about
20 minutes." But it doesn't work the other way. "When do you get off
work?" "Around 3 miles."
# Are there keys to a plane?
Maybe that's what those delays are sometimes, when you're just
sitting there at the gate. Maybe the pilot sits up there in the
cockpit going, "Oh, I don't believe this. I did it again." They tell
you it's something mechanical because they don't want to come on the
P.A. system, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be delayed here on
the ground for a while. I uh..Oh, God this is so embarrassing...I, I
left the keys to the plane in my apartment. I'm sorry, I'll run back
and get them."
# I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does
moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time?
When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're
all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole
outfit here!"

Technically correct!!!

A helicopter was flying above Seattle when an
electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic
navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze,
the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to
steer to the airport.The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it,
circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it up in the helicopter
window.The pilot's sign said, "Where am I?" in large letters.The people
in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large
sign and held it to the window of their building.Their sign read, "You
are in a helicopter."The pilot smiled, waved, looked at the map,
determined the course to steer to the SEATAC airport and landed
safely.After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how
the "You are in a helicopter" sign helped determine their position.The
pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because,
similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but
completely useless answer!"

Confessions of a Kid

Little Bobby came into the
kitchen where his mother was making dinner.His birthday was coming up
and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he
wanted.Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.Little Bobby was a bit of a
troublemaker.He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.Bobby's
mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his
birthday.Little Bobby, of course, thought he did.Bobby's mother
wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last year.Go to your
room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year.Then
write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your
birthday.Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down
to write God a letter.

Letter 1
=========
Dear God,

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my
birthday.I want a red one.Your friend,BobbyBobby knew that this
wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year,So he tore up
the letter and started over.

Letter 2
=========

Dear God,

This is your friend Bobby. I have
been a good boy this year and I would likea red bike for my birthday.
Thank you.Your friend,BobbyBobby knew that this wasn't true either.
So, he tore up the letter and started again.

Letter 3
=========

Dear God,
I have been an OK boy this year. I still would really like a bike for
my birthday.BobbyBobby knew he could not send this letter to God
either. So, Bobby wrote a fourth letter.

Letter 4
=========

God,I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry.I
will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday.Please!
Thank you,Bobby

Bobby knew, even if it was
true, this letter was not going to get him a bike.Now, Bobby was very
upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to
church.Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby looked
very sad.Just be home in time for dinner, Bobby's mother told
him.Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner.Little
Bobby went into the church and up to the altar.He looked around to
see if anyone was there.Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the
Mary.He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church,
down the street,into the house, and up to his room.He shut the door
to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.Bobby began
to write his letter to God.

Letter 5
=========

God,I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE
BIKE!!!!!!